A Definitive Ranking of 10 (More) Celebrities That Would (Probably) Blow Your Mind in Bed
Plus: Four individuals and one entire group that most certainly would not.
Welcome, friends. If you’re new around here, you may have missed my first power ranking of celebrities that would (probably) bring it in the bedroom. It’s one of my most popular Yes, Misstrix posts and a good primer for part deux. You can read the initial list here. I also feel the need to mention that after the publication of that Substack post, it became public knowledge that two of the A-plus-in-bed A-listers I wrote about were hooking up. So, you should absolutely trust my opinion on this. I’m that good!
Now, before we get down and dirty with this new crop of sexually excellent celebs, I’ll give the same quick disclaimers: Keep in mind that this list was written by a heterosexual white woman for fun, and it isn’t meant to be taken too seriously. It is (in some spots) very sexually explicit, so proceed at your own risk.
After all, do I know for sure that these celebrities would blow your mind in bed? Of course not. Has that impacted my confidence about the legitimacy of this second list? Not even a little. Enjoy this detailed assessment of celebrity sexual prowess.
Drum roll, please! In no particular order, here are the 10 celebrities I’m positive know a thing or two about pleasing a partner:
1. Willem Dafoe. The very first thing you should know about Willem is that his given name is actually William and he chooses to use Willem as his stage name. While I think that pretty much says everything you need to know here, I’ll write more. Willem has two things going for him that I think support his worthiness on a list of this caliber.
One is that he’s not conventionally attractive but has still snagged a number of truly impressive and interesting leading or “high supporting” roles. This tells me that Willem is good at what he does without suffering from the chip on his shoulder that might come from never being the leading man or the oversized ego that is the proverbial elephant when sharing space with someone we might consider true leading man material.
The second thing Willem has going for him is that his REAL NAME IS WILLIAM AND HE GOES BY WILLEM FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON. I mean, that’s not technically true. Apparently, William James Dafoe was named after his father, who also went by William. To avoid being called Junior or Billy (which, good on him), he experimented with different nicknames. A friend started calling him Willem (probably because you should never try to give yourself a nickname) and that was the name that stuck.
Regardless, I think going with Willem is a clear indication that the man embraces the weird, and who doesn’t like a little off-the-wall creativity in the bedroom? I’m willing to bet this unconventional star is a surprisingly phantasmagorical lay.
2. Christian Bale. So, let’s get this out of the way: Do I think Christian Bale is out of his fucking mind? I 100 percent do. I also absolutely believe that works in his favor in this particular case. The man is sexy! I know I’m not the only one who gets a little turned on by the prospect of a lover being a little unhinged between the sheets. There’s no doubt in my mind that Christian Bale has fucked around and found out enough to take you to O Town multiple times.
Besides, it’s not like he’s going to give up until it happens. How else do you explain the dedication to eating a single apple a day (alongside drinking some coffee, water, the occasional whiskey and smoking approximately 400,000—just guessing here—cigarettes) to drop 62 pounds for his role in The Machinist? Someone who goes that deep into their commitment for a character would never settle for being mediocre in bed.
And Christian Bale is a fantastic actor. Even if he were faking his pleasure whilst fucking you, you’d never be able to tell. He might make you come again and again and then do something deranged like insist you check out his nail gun, but goddamn if it’s not worth the risk. His little smirk-smile? Panty-dropper. I stand by it.
3. Mads Mikkelsen. Look, maybe I have a thing for unconventional attractive older men (not my husband. My hot husband is full-on attractive-attractive.), but I will now write four words that might change your mind about old Mads here: Danish actor and FORMER GYMNAST. In fact, Mr. Mikkelsen earned his spot on this list after I watched this scene of him drunk dancing in the very good foreign film Another Round.
Word on the street is that although Mads trained as a dancer many moons ago, it took a lot of convincing to get him to end the movie by busting a move. I’m glad he took the leap because otherwise I never would have known how much I value a man who can leave it all on the dance floor. I can’t imagine a scenario in which this carefree hustle-and-flow doesn’t translate into a delightful romp.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck underneath someone who seems to have two left feet, you know this kind of thing matters. Great dancing requires you to know your ass from your elbow. Mind-blowing sex asks the same. I’d also argue that a little Dutch whispered in my ear during the act might provide some additional lubrication. I hope he’d say something incredibly explicit, but he could also utter nonsense. I honestly wouldn’t care.
4. Daniel Craig. Get. In. My. Octopussy. You’re welcome for that extremely uncomfortable reference to the 1983 James Bond movie featuring Roger Moore. But, let’s be real for a moment: Daniel Craig is by far the sexiest Bond. That’s not to discount the back-in-the-day handsomeness of Mr. Connery, but those old Bond movies also were generally meant to be a little slapstick and unserious.
The most recent installations (aka the D. Craig Years) were all sex appeal. Casino Royale? Even in that weirdly specific taint-torture scene (like…who had the literal balls to pitch that in the writer’s room and maintain a straight face while selling it to the powers that be?!) featuring, of all people, Mads!, Mr. Craig is sexy as fuck. Look, I’m not an idiot. I know a lot of movie magic goes into those Bond girl bang scenes. But I also get super hot and bothered just watching them, which is a pretty good indication that the real deal would be a toe-curling, back-arching, down-there-tingling fireworks display of awesome.
Here, a comparison might help: I can watch Magic Mike and think, “wow, Channing is a very sensual dancer. I’m into it. I’d like to dance with him.” But I definitely don’t want to fuck Channing Tatum. Hot take, but I honestly don’t think he’d be that good at it. I don’t have a reason. Call it intuition.
Alternatively, I cannot watch Skyfall without wondering whether we should begin with me on top and end with Daniel behind me or if I should start sitting on Daniel’s face and finish with my legs around his waist as he presses my back against the shower wall. Decisions, decisions.
5. Jay Ellis. How hot is Jay Ellis? So spicy that I’d still ride him on the regular even if he was the embodiment of his Insecure character Lawrence when he was a sad sack (in the early seasons) with a lot of ideas and no job. So handsome that I was literally hoping Allison Brie’s character would break up his character’s forthcoming nuptials in Somebody I Used to Know so that we might actually see him fuck someone at some point in that mediocre-ass rom-com.
And look, of course not every hot man is a superior lover. A lot of hot dudes are not on this list for a reason. Jay, however, gives off “I can bang” vibes in every role he’s ever had. He was my Top Gun Maveric. He is The Game that makes me Thirsty. I definitely would not buy a Nissan just because he was in one of their car commercials, but I might consider it. To paraphrase Ellie Goulding, sometimes you can just tell in the way that someone moves that they are going to give it to you like you deserve. Jay is just that kind of guy.
6. Joe Montana. Two things I know: Joe can throw a football, and Joe can fuck. For those who don’t know much about me, I freaking LOVE professional football. I do not care what you think about that. It’s my jam, and not to brag, but I can throw a pretty tight spiral. Football season is my Fashion Week. As such, I have A LOT of opinions about the fuckability of quarterbacks and other players. Still, I shocked R. when I told him Mr. Montana was making the list. He felt that was a wild-card pick (pun intended—not by him, by me). Allow me to explain.
For the uninitiated, Joe Montana is considered one of the National Football League’s greatest quarterbacks of all time. He played for 16 seasons, won four Super Bowls, was the MVP of the Super Bowl game three of those four times and has been in the Pro Football Hall of Fame since 2000. He’s good with his hands. I imagine he has a lot of finger control and wrist flexibility.
He was called “Joe Cool” and “The Comeback Kid” (not to be confused with Bill Clinton in John Mulaney’s The Comeback Kid comedy special)—both nicknames he, presumably, did not give to himself. Joe’s middle name is also Clifford, which I think is relevant, and he owns horses and has a wine brand called Montagia, which may be delicious or terrible, but when you’re rich enough to do wine stuff, it’s kind of beside the point. Basically, what this all adds up to is that if I were single and I ran into Joe Montana, I’d let him finger me on the fifty yard line of the Dallas Cowboys’ over-the-top, gaudy-as-all-hell AT&T Stadium like the MVP he is.
I digress. Initially, I put Joe on this list because in addition to being a baller on the field, I thought he did pantyhose ads. It turns out that’s a different Joe quarterback: Joe Namath. Mr. Namath also had a lot of nicknames, but he only won the Super Bowl once (like a fucking loser) and has not aged quite as foxily as Mr. Montana (although, to be fair, Namath is much older and could still probably get after it during sexy time). So, I had to go back to the drawing board with respect to my reasoning, which revolved around the fact that any man in a hypermasculine role who had the confidence to do Beautymist Pantyhose commercials can obviously fuck.
I remain confident that Mr. Montana is good in bed, and I think the biggest reason is that he’s kind of a ham and quite a bit cheeky. I really love this commercial where he rains on the parade of his fellow quarterbacks, who are bragging about their Heisman trophy wins in college. While I don’t always equate good quarterbacking with bedroom prowess (we all know how Mr. Brady faired on my last list), I think anyone who can drive 92 yards down a football field in the last three minutes and ten seconds of a Super Bowl game to score a game-winning touchdown that puts them ahead of their opponent (the Cincinnati Bengals, womp womp) with 34 seconds left could probably also drive you into the mattress (or floor or shower wall) in all the right ways.
7. Seal. I mean…right? No one can make old ladies (and, I guess, me) swoon like the “Kiss from a Rose” crooner. There’s something to be said for a voice that can make you wet simply from conversation. And if he decided to pull out a guitar and belt one out in your presence? I bet you’re starting to see how Seal snagged Heidi Klum for so long. Here at Yes, Misstrix, we are big fans of men who are good with their mouths.
One of the other things that gives Seal an edge on this list is his somewhat dark backstory. The singer has said he was unwanted by his Nigerian parents and ran away from home. I don’t mean to suggest that a rough childhood or parent issues beget people who are good in bed. The whole “daddy issues” nonsense is a sexist stereotype that seriously needs to die.
My perspective is that certain life experiences give us depth, and it’s this depth that enables us to connect deeply with others when we bring all of ourselves to our most intimate encounters. Have you ever fucked a person with no depth? I have, and I nearly didn’t survive. I could basically feel my soul trying to leave my body. It was so bad that all I can remember about the guy is he moved to Portland from New York to work for Nike. That’s literally it. I can’t remember his name, and honestly, I’ve given it more than one old college try. His lack of depth and jackhammer-esque thrusting style wiped my brain.
So, beware the ones without depth. I bet Seal, unlike Nike guy (which might as well be his name), can take you like a boss because he has lived a full, real-ass life. There’s so much he can tell you! So much he can say! You’d remain his power, his pleasure, his pain, baby. To him, you’re like a grown addiction that he can’t deny. Then, YOU TOO COULD BE KISSED BY A ROSE ON THE GREY. And personally, I’d much prefer to get naughty with someone who’s really lived, for better or worse. Maybe you feel the same.
8. Heidi Klum. If you’re satisfying Seal, then girl, you better be on this list! Heidi is not only a supremely attractive person with an adorable accent, she’s also freakin’ hilarious. Her Halloween costume game? That WORM?! I cannot. Anyone with that sense of humor and commitment to the ‘stume has got to be hella confident when it counts.
And she’s certainly not a priss. If you’re willing to transform from a stunningly fine super model into flesh-eating alien for the creepiest holiday of the year, you’re probably equally willing to do what needs to be done to get your partner off. I bet she gives EPIC blowjobs. Similarly, if you’ve got some sort of weird kink, Heidi might be just the kind of domme dame you’ve been searching for. She is German, after all.
9. Boyd Holbrook. I mentioned my fondness for The Skeleton Twins, no? Boyd, who, understandably, loses a few points for being called Boyd, plays the sexy scuba instructor Kristen Wiig’s character cannot stop fucking after class. He’s also the murderous villain in The Sandman and the derpy brother in Vengeance (which hilariously features a John Mayer cameo and an unsettlingly good Ashton Kutcher as a small-town music producer) and probably many other things. He is a bit of an enigma, but I can honestly say that I would fuck him in any role—yes, even the eye-less serial killer one (see section on Christian Bale for reference).
What makes Boyd a mind-blowing-in-bed lad worthy of a spot on this exclusive (albeit not exhaustive) list of greats? His chameleon nature and the fact that he is electrically sexual in every situation. If I were in that scuba class, I’d definitely let him do me after hours, but that’s probably because I’m a bit of a teacher’s pet, I’m hot for teacher and I dig a man with skills.
I also imagine Boyd is the kind of dude who will make you eggs and serve you coffee in bed after a night of passion. He’d probably let you wear his wrinkled J. Crew t-shirt from the night before while you lounge in his super comfy bed and sip said coffee (which he made in his French press from William Sonoma, obviously), and he’d be so turned on by your gorgeously untamed after-sex hair and the satisfied smile you wear after being maximally pleasured that he’d do you all over again before you head out for the day. Dreamy, right?
10. Andrew Garfield. Andrew Garfield is a treasure. From his meme-able awards show expressions to the way he fucking BROUGHT IT to the role of RENT creator Jonathon Larson, he’s insanely dynamic as a human being, and I think we can all appreciate a man who contains multitudes. We will even forgive this misstep where he plays a Moron detective who is trying to find the murdery Mormon who killed another Mormon in a community of Mormons while awkwardly praying his way through the entire seven-episode miniseries. It should have been better, ANDREW!
Regardless, Mr. Garfield has a sense of humor about himself, as well as a dorky hotness about him. Plus, he can FUCKING DANCE. If I’m imagining how sex would play out with the Forgotten Spiderman, I’d hazard to guess that he’d like it if you ordered him around a bit, maybe slapped his face a little before riding him into the sunset. Based on how he generally looks mildly bored to be wherever he is, especially on the red carpet (a mentality I can mostly get behind), I think you’d need to use some dungeoncore equipment to elicit the type of illicit engagement you’re craving. Well, hand me a riding crop and color me excited. You’ve officially piqued my interest.
Now for the four celebrities you should not bang, should the opportunity arise, lest you be disappointed:
1. Woody Harrelson. It pains me to say this, because I think Woody Harrelson is a wonderful actor, but I truly believe he would get so high before sex that he would inadvertently fall asleep with his cock still inside you. The man co-owns a dispensary in West Hollywood called The Woods. It’s not out of the question, people!
As someone who partakes of an edible on Saturdays when I don’t have to do the overnights with the baby, I can attest to the fact that great sex can be even greater with a little body-high buzz. So, getting down with Dona Juana is not a problem per se, but a little too much can put you right to sleep, and I can imagine Woody forgetting where he put his wood as he accidentally drifts off to dreamland. For this reason, you should pass on a potential NC-17-rated encounter with Mr. Harrelson.
2. Blake Shelton. This tweet comes to mind…
R. and I felt personally attacked when B.S. was crowned People’s Sexiest Man Alive. We were among the masses questioning everything. Why Blake? Does he have some sort of sex appeal we’re missing? It’s not, like, his personality, right? ARE THERE NO OTHER PEOPLE LEFT ON EARTH TO CHOOSE FROM? I remain baffled. Blake is the kind of Nike guy that would prompt your privates to recoil at the thought of penetration.
And also, if he’s good enough for Gwen, he is not good enough for me. I have nothing against Gwen personally. I’m even fond of a few of her songs and genuinely loved one of her music videos. That said, I would not trust her opinion about who to fuck. Gavin Rossdale? Girl, hard no. Additionally, I can really see Blake as a “what are you going to do for me” bros in bed (and probably life, y’all). Pass.
3. Gwen Stefani. SHE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
4. Vanilla Ice. I did a whole snub on white rappers in the previous list, but Mr. Ice-Ice-Baby deserves his own call out. It’s hard to pinpoint one thing that isn’t working for me here. I think it’s the whole unfuckable package.
Anyone who “flows like a harpoon daily and nightly” and boasts about his ability to “wax a chump like a candle” is kind of out for me. Even Macklemore makes me laugh with this little lyrical delight in his hit Downtown: “There's layers to this shit player, tiramisu, tiramisu.” Vanilla is a one-hit wonder who performed a song that is best loved ironically at karaoke bars. Your bedroom is not a karaoke bar, and I cannot stress this enough—do not fuck anyone ironically.
And finally, while we should always be open and accepting and treat people like individuals (yadda yadda yadda), you can absolutely write off this group of people entirely when it comes to blowing your mind with top-notch fuckery:
People who put truck nuts on their vehicles. I had been blissfully unaware of the concept of truck nuts until R. made a sarcastic about them one day. Since being officially brought into the joke, I’ve unfortunately spotted them more than once, mostly in Texas. So, I know exactly who needs to hear what I’m about to say: If you have to turn your F-150 into a phallus, you’ve got bigger performance problems than I know what to do with. This is some real incel shit. Stay far, far away from truck-nut aficionados.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. Thanks to everyone who listened to the audio component this week. The first extra (written) post for paid subscribers goes out on Sunday. Upgrade your subscription today to ensure you won’t miss a thing!