A Marriage is Made in Millions of Moments
I will go to my grave believing that small gestures are the key to a grand marriage.
This is something I believe with all my heart: A marriage is made in millions of little moments. It is the loving result of small, seemingly insignificant gestures and random acts of thoughtfulness. It is strengthened by the ability to navigate everyday mundanity, together, without stabbing one another in the eye out of sheer boredom.
From my perspective, the alternative—that a marriage is defined by over-the-top demonstrations of “love”—is untenable. Big, extravagant proposals cannot sustain a sinking ship. Mind-boggling, gravity-defying multi-carat diamond rings will not assuage the loneliness of being coupled with someone who makes you feel lonely even when they’re in the same room. Million-dollar weddings do not mitigate hurt feelings, resentment, adulterous treachery or, as is the case in the story linked above, long prison sentences.
This theory of many moments is something I wanted to stress when I wrote the maid-of-honor (ahem, “best woman”) speech for my sister’s wedding. I share the speech in totality below, but the idea was born from what I consider to be the most loving parts of my daily relationship with R. I knew when I agreed to marry this man that he was the kind of person who showed his love in small gestures.
He was the guy who picked up your favorite kombucha at the store, who made you coffee every morning, who swept the floor daily in a fruitless battle against the overwhelming volume of dog hair that covers nearly every surface of our home. He is not the guy to engineer an Instagram-worthy wedding proposal or declare his love for you by jumping on Oprah’s couch. His “I love you” is doing the paperwork you can’t look at without dying a little and reminding you that you absolutely can snag a book deal this year.
Similarly, I’m not going to participate in heavy petting in public (I’m from the Midwest…there are rules!) or meticulously design a scavenger hunt around town where there are clues and gifts and I need to put in a lot of effort into organized “fun.” Here’s where I kill it: Every night, I “set R. up for success” by putting toothpaste on his toothbrush and passive-aggressively laying a piece of floss over the base of the brush.
I do this because there are few people as dedicated to the act of flossing as me. When I first met him, R. was not really big on floss. Even today, he probably wouldn’t floss religiously if I didn’t make it wasteful not to partake in the process. Love is many things, of course. Obviously, one of those things is bullying the person you love into matching your unwavering commitment to oral health (and you can take that phrasing however you’d like).
So, yes, give me the small stuff any day. I will always cherish the big moments, but I will also see them for what they are: A rare and beautiful deviation from the norm of everyday love. This is one of the things I wish I’d understood more deeply when I first became my husband’s wife. I shared this revelation with my sister on her wedding day (along with two others) because I wanted her partnership to thrive, to benefit from the hard-won wisdom I’d gained during the challenging times of my first few years of marriage. I hope these bits of advice will resonate with you as well. Now, without further ado, please enjoy my greatest ever speech about love.
Hi, everyone.
How ‘bout that ride in? Heh heh. I guess that’s why they call it Canton, Ohio.
Now, if that awkward opener seems out of nowhere, I don’t mean to exclude you. Originally, this line came more or less from the American comedy, “The Hangover.” It also happened to be the way my sister Kadie opened her maid of honor speech in 2017 when about half of us here today gathered to celebrate my marriage to the super-hot gentleman seated right there [I pointed at R.—you had to be there].
After Kadie kicked off her speech with what I am now finding is still a weird inside joke that no one really appreciates other than us, she went on to give a very heartwarming speech about how she had a terrible sister who wouldn’t play with her and spent her whole life waiting for a brother like Randy.
It was sweeter than I’m making it sound. But I can only follow in Kadie’s maid of honor footsteps so far this time. The truth is that I grew up never really wanting a sister, so I definitely didn’t also want a brother-in-law (sorry, Aaron). This is confirmed by a very incriminating VHS tape where my four-year-old self tries to off little Kadie with a baton.
Kadie, ever the scrappy survivor, lived to tell the tale, and now, years later, I am very grateful for the relationship we do have, one that is defined by Skype calls, internet memes and shared screenshots of the weird things our parents text us so that we can make fun of them behind their backs and sometimes to their faces. Sorry, mom and dad!
So, I can’t give an impassioned speech about adding a new family member into the mix. I can however say this: I couldn’t be happier that my beautiful, anxious, wacky, mercurial, hardworking sister found someone she actually likes enough to marry. If you know Kadie well, you know this is kind of an accomplishment.
And I am even happier that this person is Aaron, a man who takes Kadie and all her insanity with a grain of salt, while also ensuring that she does all the adult things she needs to do to survive in the world. More than that, Aaron is someone who makes Kadie laugh, supports her dreams and always encourages her to be the best version of herself. What more could someone want for their sister?
Kadie and Aaron work because they understand one another, they want the same things, and they love the person they’re marrying for who they are right now, not the person they hope they’ll be down the line. In honor of this union, what I most want to share with my sister, my new brother and all of you gathered here today, are three small things that I wish I’d known when I said “I do” four years ago.
1. Marriage is work, but it doesn’t have to be hard work.
The first part is common knowledge. People can’t wait to tell you that bit, that true love is work, compromise, effort. But what a lot of people forget to say is that when you love your partner, the work won’t break you. It isn’t all that hard. It certainly isn’t always fun, but it’s necessary and never so much work that you can’t handle it together. And after it’s done, you’re both better for having done it in the first place.
2. Love saves you when Like goes missing; Like saves you when Love gets lost.
Author F. Scott Fitzgerald had a beautiful quote that is appropriate here. He said that "All of life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase — 'I love you.'" We spend our whole lives moving closer to or farther from love. And that is because love is always a choice.
It is one Kadie and Aaron will make over and over again throughout their lives together. Sometimes, you two will fight, feel hurt, need space. You won’t always like the person you’re with, the decisions they make, the way they handle every situation. But in those moments of conflict and distance, you will remember your love for one another and you will persevere.
Similarly, you will not spend every moment of your marriage deeply, passionately, inexhaustibly in love. You can’t. It’s impossible to exist that way. You’d never leave the bedroom to get anything done. And in those moments when life gets in the way of love and connection, you will remember that the person you married is someone you like more than anyone else you’ve ever met. Out of all the fish in the sea, you opted to pair up with the one guppy that understands you in a way no one else ever could.
3. The little things will make or break your marriage.
Every morning, Randy makes us celery juice (because we’re hippies) and coffee (because we’re humans). If I sleep in a little late, I wake up to a glass of juice and a thermos of java on the windowsill next to my side of the bed. Nearly every day begins this same way. And every night, I make us a cup of herbal tea. I put two mugs, one spoon and a jar of honey on the coffee table. When we’re finished, I put toothpaste on our toothbrushes and a string of floss next to each brush. Almost every evening ends this same way.
Why am I telling you all this? To exemplify one simple fact: Great marriages, the ones that last a lifetime, are the culmination of a million little gestures.
Today, your wedding day, is the grand show. It is the party, the shindig, the celebratory affair. But what it is not, what it can never be, is the happily ever after. Once all the cake is eaten and the final drinks are poured, you two will be left to your own devices. You have to write the rest of the story alone.
And in order to do that successfully, you must reaffirm your love again and again. The big milestones will be exciting and joyous. But there is so much beauty in the mundane, too. And ultimately, marriage is often more mundane than momentous. It is coffee and tea and brunch and dog parks. It is dishes washed when the other person cooks, and filling out that paperwork your wife absolutely refuses to deal with. It is triumphs and tribulations and everything in between.
Kadie and Aaron, I wish you many, many wonderful years together. May you do the work of marriage with joy. May you continue to learn and grow with one another through the momentous and the mundane. And should you ever find yourselves lost, may you always, always find your way back to love.
With that said, I raise my glass and invite you all to do the same. Cheers to the bride and groom!
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
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