Break Up Already!
You don't need a good reason to part ways. Simply not wanting to be with someone anymore totally counts.
One of my middle school relationships ended when the boy I was seeing told me his dinner the previous night was two hotdogs from the local Speedway gas station. As in, he broke up with me after I wouldn’t stop telling him how absolutely disgusted I was by his choices. I couldn’t let it go. I still can’t. What kind of fucking sociopath eats more than zero gas station hot dogs?
And yes, you’re recalling the setup correctly. The hotdogs at Speedway and its fellow petrol purveyors are housed in those little box warmers that twirl them for decades until some moron decides to buy two of them and not, as you might imagine, throw them directly into the toilet but consume them, one after the other, instead.
Look, are there exceptions to my no food at gas stations boundary? Sure. Buc-ee’s is but one Texas-based example. Although their branded white cheddar popcorn left much to be desired, the place makes a lot of food in-house that doesn’t look like it would give you full-body incurable gonorrhea just for inhabiting the same vicinity.
The Mentor, OH Speedway, by comparison, is not exempted from the no-food-where-you-overpay-for-fuel rule (it rhymes so you remember it because maintaining this kind of personal limitation could legitimately save your life). So, I stand by my comments circa 2002. Good luck, God bless with that tapeworm, P.M. This was 1000 percent an unforced error, and you did this to yourself.
[Note: I looked him up recently. He has a lovely wife, three beautiful daughters and…not a tapeworm.]
My point is that P.M. didn’t need a good reason to end a relationship with me, the one true love of his life (probably), and go back to his middle-school sweetheart (who would eventually become his wife and bear him three heirs). He just broke up with me because I was being annoying. That was a good enough reason for him—a justification that speaks very directly to the utter ruthlessness of 13 year olds.
But we’re all adults here. We don’t need permission to break up with someone either! We can do whatever we want. I once broke up with a guy because, not only was he a complete narcissist, but he was also wayyyyy too into his family.
Now, I’m generally suspicious of people who are extra tightknit with their kin, but this was above and beyond. The hint that his brand of familial closeness was unusual became abundantly clear once we began pursuing threesomes. The dude became outright obsessed with a girl who bore an uncomfortable resemblance to his youngest sister. Ick.
Your reason for uncoupling needn’t be this extreme. It can be as simple as “he uses too much dish soap” or “he’s in his forties and hasn’t mastered the art of recycling” or “he cuts his toenails into the toilet but doesn’t flush.” Any one of those completely hilarious and fantastical examples. It could be “she writes unfunny essays about our relationship for everyone she knows (and a handful of people she doesn’t), many of which paint me like a gorgeous-yet-ultimately-mediocre husband.”
See? There are four examples right off the top of my head. You could borrow any of those when breaking up with your sig-O. Or you could get creative and invent your own! The sky’s truly the limit here, folks. Don’t be shy. Share your best in the comments below.
Whatever you do though, don’t feel bad. You know what they say: It’s better to have loved and lost than to have ever made out with someone who ate a significant amount of food from a bathroom convenient store that sells gas.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. Did you enjoy this free post about breaking up for small, annoying infractions or no reason at all? Consider becoming a paid subscriber! Or, if that’s not in the cards right now (which is totally fair—life is expensive) please consider spreading the word about Yes, Misstrix by sharing this post. I appreciate you!
Truth!!
Bathroom gas station food is a hard no for me. Frankly, I can't be friends with those folks, let alone lovers. I once ended things with a guy because he started wearing Ed Hardy...when Ed Hardy was 'cool.' But anyone who knows knows that Ed Hardy was never cool.