How Much Sex is Enough Sex in Long-Term Relationships?

Thank you for listening to this week’s episode. Please see the transcript/notes I used to record the audio companion below. If you know someone who would like to listen to the episode or sign up to receive the newsletter, please use the links below. I appreciate you!

TRANSCRIPT

Hello and welcome to this week’s audio companion to the Yes, Misstrix Substack. The topic for week five centers on the “dead bedroom” phenomenon, a term that describes couples in long-term relationships who very rarely have sex or who stop having sex all together. In this episode, titled “how much sex is enough sex in a long-term relationship?” we’re going to look at what defines a dead bedroom, why some couples stop having sex and what healthy intimacy looks like in a partnership that’s supposed to last a lifetime.

Before we get too deep, let’s start with a fun fact. Did you know that the term “dead bedroom” is actually the modernized, gender-neutral version of the original term, which was “lesbian bed death?” I was yesterday years old when I learned that, and I sincerely hope I get to bust out that bit of knowledge during a game of trivia someday. I’m not a big trivia person, but if the game includes a category called “sex things,” I’d be willing to nerd it up with some randoms at a bar that has committed to ruining the vibe once per week in order to host trivia games.

 I can feel myself starting to go down the rabbit hole here, so I’m going to shift to the topic at hand. I’ve given you a base level definition of what a dead bedroom is, but if you’re craving a little more specificity around what “very rarely” means when it comes to doing the dirty, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, there’s not a ton of agreement.

First, it’s important to note that a dead bedroom is not a clinical term. That explains why it’s not better defined. In the absence of a scientific timeframe, we’re left to check in with sex therapists, sex educators, medical doctors and other professionals who work in the sexual health industry, and not even they can agree.

Some experts say couples who haven’t had sex in the past six months have dead bedrooms. Others say you’d have to skip sex for an entire year to qualify. One article I saw early in my research said a lack of sexual intimacy for a full month qualified, which seems like maybe that article was written by someone who hasn’t lived with little humans who don’t sleep.