How to Train Your Partner to Give You Compliments
A completely shameless step-by-step guide to getting the praise you desire.
When I first met R. back in 2016, one of the things I liked most about him was that he let me be me. He wasn’t constantly trying to give me advice or tell me how to live my life. He wasn’t judging my choices (even though, to be fair, he would have been totally justified in doing so at that point). I knew that I could be chaotic and messy, silly and quite a bit quirky. After ending a relationship with a person who was judgmental, critical and obnoxiously overbearing, R. was a revelation. With him, I felt completely safe to be my authentic self, which was and still is chaotic, messy, silly and pretty damn quirky.
I remember a conversation with my mom after R. and I decided to be exclusive. I was talking about something I was planning about doing, and my mom asked, “What does R. think about that?” To which I responded: “R. doesn’t really talk that much, and that’s what we like about R.” He wasn’t condescending about the way I moved through the world. He let me make my own mistakes.
A fun story to illustrate this point: At one point in our early days of dating, I blew a tire and needed to put on the spare. I was having a lot of car trouble in those days. As some of you know, my entire back windshield crumbled to pieces on the way to meet R. for the very first time. But that’s a story for another newsletter.
When the tire went, a friend of mine, M., offered to help me put the spare on, so I could get it to an auto shop for a more permanent solution. You might have gathered that I’m not the type of woman who cares to learn how to change a tire. You would be correct in that assessment. R. also understood this about me. As such, he said he could change the tire for me, but since I already had someone who seemed confident in his ability to complete the task, I declined R.’s help.
I quickly learned that M. had overestimated his prowess in this arena. He started out just fine, getting the tire off relatively easily. Shortly thereafter, YouTube was called upon to assist. It took a long time in the dark with flashlights as we battled the Portland rain that was typical of the season, but M. got the job done. With the spare on, I asked what I should do with the old tire. Did I need anything there or could I throw the discarded tire in the trash room in my apartment building? It all could go, he said. I took him at his word.
I told R. about this adventure the next day, and he seemed skeptical about getting rid of everything. No, I assured him, M. told me I was good to go. Later on, I made an appointment with a local tire shop on Hawthorne Street, one that was only a couple blocks down the road from my apartment. When I arrived, I filled out paperwork and explained the issue. The experts told me I was OK to go home. They would be in touch when the car was ready. I walked home and started my work day. I received a call pretty much right away: Where was the rest of the tire?
They most definitely needed the rim from the tire—you really aren’t supposed to throw those away. Thankfully, trash day hadn’t come and the original tire was right where I left it, strewn among the garbage bags and recycling bins in the designated room. The unfortunate thing was that I didn’t have my car to transport the wheel, so I had to half carry it, half wheel it down the road like a sociopath to get it back to the shop.
By the time I arrived, I was in hysterics. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t keep it together. The auto shop people definitely thought I was a moron, but they laughed “with” me, and now they had a great story to tell everyone else forever. If R. had been a little more forceful in his opinion that no, I could not throw away an essential piece of the tire, I would have avoided this embarrassment. But honestly, I was grateful he left me alone to do what I was going to do. He didn’t think I was an idiot for listening to my friend over him. He preferred not to be an arrogant dick by insisting that he knew best while also insinuating I was a dull and unserious person for not knowing all this in the first place. Instead, we laughed about it together and moved on to other things.
Which brings us back to the present. R. is still not really a big talker. He’s not going to share a lot (unless you’re his harpy wife and insist on dragging it out of him), and he’s not going to shower you incessantly with a bunch of compliments and praise. He’s not the one saying “I love you” eight million times per day to every living soul in the house. That would be totally fine except he decided to wed a person who LOVES compliments and praise and validation and (over)sharing. The other devastating thing about this is that R. gives INCREDIBLE compliments.
The best-ever compliment I’ve received came from him completely out of the blue. “I know you’re going to think I’m biased or just saying this,” he said, not at all preparing me to hear the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been told, “but you really are my favorite writer.” Friends, I nearly cried…and this was before I had a baby and began blubbering indiscriminately at everything.
So, naturally, I would like more of these delightful adulations. Since R. isn’t about to do that on his own, I’ve created a process for bullying him into giving me more of what I desire. Please feel free to use this same step-by-step training guide to shamelessly fish for and reel in more compliments from the important people in your life.
Step 1: Give Your Partner a Lot of Compliments
As I’ve written in previous newsletters, my husband is a Libra, and Libras LOVE compliments. R. also happens to respond well to the Words of Affirmation love language, so it’s a double whammy when I can give him thoughtful praise. He’s super hot and a great dresser, which means I pretty much compliment his work outfits every day. I also like looking at his sexy little bubble butt in boxers. It’s no sweat off my back to say something about that feast for the senses as well.
Now, when I first began my journey to cajole R. into complimenting me on a regular basis, I began by giving him lots of sincere compliments and waiting for him to return the favor. This resulted in minimal success, so I shifted my focus to thanking him PROFUSELY for any compliments he sent in my direction. I generally find that people repeat the behaviors that they receive praise for, kind of like dogs. R., however, did not respond to my Pavlovian conditioning. I was then forced to change course and transition to step two.
Step 2: Give Yourself Compliments and Force Your Partner to Agree with Them
Let me tell you that this was actually very effective. I would say something along the lines of, “Are you seeing how sexy I look in this dress?” before looking pointedly in R.’s direction. “You look very sexy in that dress,” he’d say or, sometimes, if I was really lucky, he would whistle and grab my butt. This worked for all sorts of things. “I’m really proud of how this article came out. Did you like it?” “I loved it,” R. would say, “I always love your writing.”
My personal favorite way to rope R. into agreeing with my self-imposed praise would be to take this approach: “Is it difficult being with someone who is this good in bed? I mean, you’re probably so intimidated! Like…what will she think of next? How can she possibly top the last time she made me cum super hard? IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?!?!” R. would then laugh and say something like, “It is difficult, babe, but somehow I manage to make it work.”
So, pretty good. The downside of this step, though, is that you have to do all the work. You have to find new and interesting ways to compliment yourself, and it can feel a little hollow if your partner, like R., does not pick up the mantle and change his encouragement frequency. At that point, you must begrudgingly move on to step three.
Step 3: Say Something Disparaging About Yourself and Force Your Partner to Disagree
This step tends to be easier than the previous one because most of humanity is incredibly self-critical and our minds delight in finding creative ways to remind us that we’re actual pieces of shit. Even if your self-love isn’t lacking to THAT level, you still probably have an easier time being a little mean and sort of snarky to yourself than you do being kind and compassionate. In this particular situation, that rude voice inside your head serves an actual purpose. Provided that your partner does actually care for you, they won’t just sit back and let you say malicious things to yourself.
So, if you say something like, “I just looked away from E. for a second. I don’t know what happened. I’M SUCH AN IDIOT!” Your partner will kindly remind you that you’re actually a great mother and accidents happen. The problem with this approach is probably obvious, but it’s worth noting that it’s a total downer to focus on your negative traits and rely on your partner to correct you with a compliment.
Instead of going dark like in the example above, I find this is the time to exercise your self-deprecation muscle and get a little sarcastic. Step three should be kept lighthearted because as you’ll see in the photo illustrating a recent example of steps three and four in action, the process is more impactful when you can weave multiple steps together. This brings us to our fourth and final step.
Step 4: Call Your Partner Out for an Inappropriate Response, Pretend to be Wounded and Wait for the Compliment You Truly Deserve
For a prime example of how this step works, please reference the text conversation between R. and me below:
Look, sometimes the love of your life is just fucking bad at giving you gorgeous unprompted compliments. They will bust out something truly soul affirming at random, but you’re basically waiting for blue moons all the time when you know damn well that they only happen every once in a while. That’s when you gotta trust the process and trick/bully/cajole/seduce some juicy praise from what appears to be an extremely dry well.
Feel free to use this guide and the steps within it when you’re feeling desperate for some fawning. All it takes is one little hit of adoration to really turn things around. And who knows, maybe your partner will take a hint and start giving you what you want. Or maybe, just maybe, they will accept that you’re a quirky weirdo who thrives on a challenge, and they’ll let you keep on keeping on in your very own way.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. Thanks for your patience last week as I took some time to hang out with my mom while she was in town. I am catching up on newsletters, so you’re going to be getting them a little off schedule . I’ve decided to keep this one open to everyone, and paid subscribers will get two just for them throughout the week. That should get me caught up on what I missed. I appreciate everyone for being here and continuing to engage with the content. You, dear reader, are one of the good ones!