I don’t know when it happened exactly, but it’s official: I’m now at the age where I’m perfectly comfortable ruining a party. Yes, I know. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Thank you, thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here.
If you haven’t yet reached this momentous milestone, I don’t mean to exclude you. The ruining-a-party phase usually hits after you reach the age where you give zero fucks about being likable in social situations.
In my case, all it took was my parents’ drunk neighbor trying to slut shame me for something that happened when I was 13—before proceeding to tell my sister that everyone thought she was a lesbian (she’s not) and then insulting the way my mom walks for exercise (never use the word “waddle” to describe a woman’s gait)—for me to tell him he was a fucking asshole and no one wanted him there because no one had, at any point, invited him.
Could have heard a pin drop after that. More awkwardness followed when my dad kicked him out, albeit too nicely for a dipshit who thought he could insult the entire rest of the family without consequence. Turns out Neighbor Mick had been inappropriate with nearly every woman on the cul-de-sac for years.
That creep didn’t stop at lame insults either. He grabbed the ass of the wife of a long-married couple at a wedding they all attended. She, like my mom, laughed it off because they hail from the Midwest and are too nice and have to live near the guy, but I…do not. So, I could tell him to fuck off with the force of all the women who ever met him (including his now ex-wife, who also sucked) standing behind me.
But while that inciting incident kicked off my villain era, I’m not sure I’ve done enough to follow up that bad bitch energy. That’s why I recently made a conscious decision to give fewer fucks, speak my mind more and generally be less likable when the situation calls for someone to be the bad gal. I got some practice with the real estate debacle of 2024 that was selling the Austin house.
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