Is Jimmy G. the NFL’s Hottest Quarterback?
A lustful investigation of the league’s best-looking ball slingers.
Here’s a fun thing I told R. recently: “I hope that if I ran into Jimmy G. at a bar, you would respect my need to fuck him and get free tickets to NFL games.” “Only if I can come, too,” R. said without skipping a beat. He meant to the game. R. probably doesn’t want to watch me bang the Las Vegas Raiders’ quarterback…but if he did, I’d be totally into it.
Or if Jimmy G. wanted to watch us bang, that would be cool, too. Basically, any configuration of me fucking a hot dude while another hot dude watches or I get down with two hot dudes at once is totally acceptable. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. We’ve got work to do.
What is this work exactly, you might ask? Good question. Way to keep your head in the game. This week, we’re going to spend some time determining which of the National Football League’s ball slingers are the best looking and winnow down a single Hottest QB of 2023 from there. Why are we doing this? Because there can only be one. And to be clear, we don’t need to spend time considering each of the league’s 32 teams. Some of these guys are non-contenders. We can eliminate most of them right off the snap.
Kenny Pickens (whose real name is Kenny Pickett, but I will always and forever get wrong because who cares and a Kenny is a Kenny and anyone who plays QB for Pittsburgh will never be hot enough to warrant an assessment) is a hard no. Mac Jones is another. Not only does he play for the Patriots, but he also falls into a category that R. and I like to call “guys who look like stereotypical villains from 80s movies.” From this group, we can also eliminate Joe Burrow, Trevor Lawrence and Jared Goff.
We can also rule out pretty much anyone who still looks like a child. Some of these players have such baby faces. They’re cute, sure, but the hottest quarterback needs to be a man. Sorry to Mr. Brock Purdy. In this same vein, we also need to rule out anyone who conducts himself like an infant by, say, screaming at his receiver for not snagging an uncatchable pass that he through 17 yards out of bounds. Guys who are known sexual predators and/or just seem like dicks are also out.
Other quarterbacks I’m cutting before the competition heats up include those whose attractiveness is amplified by their personalities, ability to star in genuinely funny commercials, game play or general ball handling (yes, there will be puns throughout). From here, we lose Patrick Mahomes, Daniel Jones, Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Baker Mayfield and Justin Herbert. It’s unfortunate that we’re eliminating a few guys that are (probably) great in bed, but this assessment requires us to make tough decisions about which cut jawline is a cut above, if you know what I mean. There’s no room for sentimentality.
At this point, I’m going to make things simple and just tell you that there are only really two contenders in this battle royale of the best looking: Jalen Hurts and Jimmy Garoppolo (the aforementioned Jimmy G.). Please note that I’m linking to Instagram accounts (Jimmy’s is a fan account) because I couldn’t find any photos that wouldn’t charge me hundreds of dollars for the rights. This is the next best thing.
Now that we’ve got our guys, we’ve also got a bit of a challenge on our hands because both of these men are extremely fuckable. We’ve got height. We’ve got abs. We’ve got symmetrical features. We’ve got jawlines for days. We even have two guys who have taken teams all the way to the Super Bowl, although only Jimmy G. has earned the title of Super Bowl champion (twice, but as a backup for T. Brady during his time as a Patriot (womp womp)).
They’re also known to be humble guys, team players and absolutely not the type of sore loser who throws a tablet in frustration before berating his offensive line for what are very clearly his own athletic failures and prompting a league-wide memo about being nice to the technology. For what it’s worth, Jalen Hurts is also the more dominant player. It’s a little hard to tell given Las Vegas’ offensive line is a goddamn joke this year (and maybe always?), but Mr. Hurts has scored an impressive amount of running and passing touchdowns in his short career.
On the relationship front, both men are unmarried, although Jalen Hurts has a girlfriend, who is appropriately super attractive and potentially even more so than her ball-playing beau. Jimmy G., on the other hand, is (according to recent reporting) delightfully single and free to fuck women he meets in bars and potentially invite those women and their super chill husbands to watch Raiders games from the luxury suite.
I digress. While I have been calling Jimmy G. the NFL’s hottest quarterback for some time now, it is EXTREMELY hard to pick between him and Jalen. I will say that I would find yelling Mr. Hurts’ name out in bed to be a lot less awkward than saying something along the lines of “harder, Jimmy! Oh yea! Oh my God! That feels incredible, Jimmy.” I just…cannot. I’d probably avoid the cringe by not using his name at all, which seems like a relatively easy fix.
Ultimately, I think we have to call it a tie. I don’t have a truly compelling reason for picking one gentleman over the other. The fact that Mr. Garoppolo hails from Italian immigrants (like moi) and has that sexy little Just For Men-amount of silver hair tilts him a little in my favor. Jimmy G. is also 31 versus Jalen Hurts’ 25 years of age, which somehow feels like fucking a man versus robbing the cradle, even though I’m a completely not-ancient 35 years old myself. R., for his part, would rule out Jalen solely because he plays for Philadelphia, which is, in R.’s words, “a garbage city with garbage people who don’t deserve to win anything ever.”
In the end, I’ll acquiesce to a two-man win for the unofficial title of the NFL’s Hottest Quarterback in 2023 and save the on-the-field tiebreakers for OT. That said, Jimmy, if you’re reading this, let me know the next time you’re throwing a few back in one of Austin’s many watering holes. I’ve got a hall pass with a ticket-getting stipulation that I’d love to run by you.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix