There are many reasons why a person’s sex drive might take a nosedive over the course of a relationship. Some common causes include work or life stress, new medication, feelings of depression, insomnia and financial anxiety. Now, a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour has identified a new one: adult-children—formerly known as man-children—are exhausting their partners (and bumming us all out).
When I stumbled on the Vice article, “New Study Shows 'Man-Children' Are Destroying Women's Sex Drives,” I felt so seen. My husband is a full-fledged adult, but damn, if I haven’t been with a man-child before. Perhaps you are familiar with the symptoms: weaponized incompetence, an unwillingness to do basic domestic tasks, the expectation of endless emotional support, general helplessness, and a consistent and pervasive inability to thrive without the assistance of someone acting as a parental figure.
The Vice article interviews several people who share specific examples, including a woman in London whose boyfriend “flooded the kitchen” and “nearly set the flat on fire ‘multiple times,’” a woman in Los Angeles whose partner would hide in the bedroom to avoid having to discipline their kids and a 26 year old in a “masc-femme queer relationship” whose partner would throw literal tantrums over being asked to do chores or cook meals. Are some people not completely exhausting?!
Apparently, parenting an adult-child isn’t exactly a turn on. The women interviewed admitted flat out that their partner’s antics killed their libido and negatively impacted their sex lives. In at least one case, however, the male partner was quick to blame the intimacy problems on something (and, ahem, someone) else entirely.
Although Denise, the woman interviewed in “The Heteronormativity Theory of Low Sexual Desire in Women Partnered with Men” study, reported that her husband James, “withdrew from childcare and household chores and activities, in part due to exhaustion following his 14-h work days and in part to ‘punish’ Denise for withholding sex from him” after the couple’s twins were born, James was convinced that there was something physically wrong with his wife.
He said as much after the two had a sex therapy session in which everything was laid bare. Despite what the study describes as a session in which the “layers of their sexual and relational strain were numerous and palpable,” James asked (apparently without a shred of self-awareness or irony) if “female Viagra” would fix the problem. I like to imagine that Denise responded by reflexively slapping James in his dumb face, but the circumstances surrounding the sex therapy session end there.
I could relate to what Denise and the women of the Vice article were going through. I once had a boyfriend tell me that things might not work out because I, a gainfully employed twenty-seven-year-old woman, refused to only eat ramen to save money on groceries. That same infantile boyfriend also played video games for hours on end, refused to wash dishes or clean up after himself, and once made a cake in such a fashion that chocolate batter and frosting were smeared all over the floor, counters and lower cupboards, prime places for my puppy to consume it and become seriously ill.
When confronted about his behavior, this particular man-child would throw an explosive fit, get moody and withdrawn, or vaguely threaten to break up with me (which I never took seriously because, like, where the fuck was this loser even going to go?). Perhaps even more comically, the adult-child in question once told me that he realized that our sex life “sucked” not because I wasn’t good in bed but because he stopped putting in an effort. You don’t say…
I spoke about the idea that not liking or respecting your partner is a great way for your sex life to lose its luster in the Better-Than-Sex Desserts post, but this is a perfect example of that phenomenon. Few things kill a libido faster than being a parent to a partner. While plenty of people want to feel cared for in a relationship (and reciprocate accordingly), that’s a far cry from being a full-time support for an adult who can’t get their shit together.
Besides, being a caretaker is exhausting, as anyone who has been responsible for an aging or ailing loved one can attest. Most people aren’t willing to do this work for partners who are absolutely capable of learning to take charge of their own lives. I know I wasn’t, not for long anyway.
Ultimately, I, like most people, am never going to be interested in fucking an adult-child. And because I value my sex life, having a partner that puts me in that position will always be a deal-breaker. I hope Denise and the Vice-article women come to the same conclusion. I want them to love and value themselves more than they love the partners who refuse to pull their weight. Any alternative to that reality really is kind of a bummer.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. I don’t know who needs to read this, but…really, I don’t. Perhaps you do? If so, would you be so kind as to share this post using the link below? Much appreciated, my loves!
P.P.S. Have you had a relationship with an adult-child? I’d love to hear about it! Share your experience in the comments or by writing to me directly at yesmisstrix@gmail.com.