Let Humor Do the Heavy Lifting
Finding your partner funny is nearly as important as finding them hot AF.
Quick note: I’m sorry to send this (short) newsletter and the audio companion on Saturday instead of their usual days, but the Bean contracted hand foot mouth virus, passed the adult version to me and torpedoed my work week. Thankfully, her sores look worse than they are, and she’s mostly in high spirits. I just have flu nonsense going on in my body. Even less amazing is the fact that Bean can’t return to daycare for a week… Alas, thank you for your patience while I tend to myself and care for my sick baby beans.
When people ask me to describe what I like about my husband, I always say the same three things: He’s incredibly gorgeous. He knows me better than anyone and never tries to change who I am. And he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met. I usually don’t say the real number one, which is that he’s delightful in the sack. That part I save for the good readers of Yes, Misstrix.
The third thing, though, that’s where the money is. I love to laugh, so it’s essential for the person unto which I hitch my wagon not be a humorless bore. R. makes me giggle like an asshole on a near-daily basis, and that’s so important to me that I mentioned it in my wedding vows. Until death do we part unless you lose your sense of humor. Be funny or die, that’s my matrimonial motto!
But bad jokes aside, I can’t imagine how people endure relationships with partners whose funny bones aren’t tickled by many of the same things. One of my friends once mentioned that her boyfriend at the time didn’t vibe with her comedic sense whatsoever. From what I remember, the feeling was relatively mutual. This quickly became apparent as a potential obstacle to their love.
Then, she told me a story that has stuck with me ever since. One time while traveling together, they started chatting with a couple from the Midwest that thought her boyfriend was HYSTERICAL. She made an off-handed comment that he had found his audience, and he was deeply offended, which is patently hilarious. Apparently, he did not think so. Spoiler alert: they didn’t make it.
I’m not necessarily surprised. Humor does a lot of heavy lifting in relationships. That and good sex. And I would argue that this is a good thing. If we are going to buy into and participate in the idea of life-long monogamy, we’re going to need some tools to help us get to that golden anniversary. No life with someone else is complete without plenty of shit-meets-fan moments. In times of trials and tribulations, attempting to find the humor can be healing.
I’ve actually given you a lot of personal examples of this already. I told you the “hotel airport” story from when R. and I traveled to India, and how a well-timed joke during labor helped me through the pain. I’ve shared how R. and I try to laugh off our little grievances with one another here and here. Humor is an essential way we connect and find our way through the annoying stuff.
Most recently, we’ve worked hard to find the humor in our child contracting hand foot mouth virus after a record-breaking four days at daycare. This isn’t particularly funny, especially when you see your little one covered head to toes in red bumps and sores, but there was one highlight…
The daycare sent us a photo of E. on Wednesday, the same day they called me to come get her because they were worried that she might have what she had. The photo is titled “health check,” and the Bean looks fucking miserable sitting at a child’s table in a blue puppy shirt with a green pacifier in her mouth. R. took one look at it and gave it the caption: “Totally aced my health check.” I’m dying laughing even as I write that. I wish I could share the photo with you, so you can experience it in all its glory, but you know my policy—no identifiable photos of my daughter online. Still, you get the idea. You either laugh or you cry.
Now, the reason why I think humor is nearly as important as sexiness is that sometimes the fucking doesn’t happen for a bit. Maybe your person is unwell or an 8.5-pound baby temporarily broke your vagina or you’re stressed and getting down is the last thing on your mind, even though it probably would help for those things on your mind to…get off (yes, I had to). In the ebb and flow of long-term partnership, humor is the stuff that sustains between the bangs. I should put that on a t-shirt.
But sometimes it’s perfectly OK to let the humor hold the space while the other relationship things work themselves out. Not indefinitely, mind you. Cracking up about your dead bed only works if you’re both enjoying the orgasmic hiatus, and the person who makes you chortle still needs to be a good person, to show up for you, to meet you where you are. Some challenges are simply too monumental to surmount.
That said, I firmly believe if you can laugh together, there is a potential pathway back to love. Humor won’t (and shouldn’t) solve everything, but on the other side of the playing field, can you imagine going your entire relationship without a single inside joke to bind you together? I would never. I recommend you avoid this at all costs, too. And should you ever find yourself in a hot spring with a couple from Minnesota (or wherever) that finds your other half more hilarious than you ever have, you know exactly what to do.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix