The first images from my marriage to R. are of me in my floor-length white gown and blue-and-white striped heels…sprinting down the side of a grassy hill to meet him at our “first look” spot. I’m frazzled because I’m late and I hate being late, and my mom has asked me too many questions about when she can change into pants after the ceremony, and I might murder her.
But none of this is important because after I barrel into R.’s arms, all that really matters is I’m going to spend the rest of the day celebrating the legally designated beginning of a partnership with the one great love of my life. It’s inconsequential that R. forgot the rings or that the courthouse didn’t inform us that we had to pay for the ceremony in cash (something we didn’t have and were forced to solicit from my dad) or that I would end the evening puking over the side of the bed and trying to clean it up with my caramel-colored flats from Target.
I wouldn’t change a thing. It was an absolutely perfect day.
On June 16, 2023, R. and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. We marveled at how much we’ve done—a motorcycle trip to San Francisco! A move to Thailand! Two dogs lost and two dogs gained! A human baby!—and shared our big dreams for the next leg of our journey together. I can’t wait to see what’s next because I know it will be lovely.
In the meantime, I feel compelled to share the secret sauce of what has helped us maintain a successful marriage longer than 20 percent of US couples. I’ve already talked about my two rules for a happy household, but my best marriage advice is a little different. It is this: Be someone’s second wife.
Is this wisdom a little unconventional? Yes. Is it great advice? Absolutely. Will this work for everyone? No, of course not. For one thing, not everyone identifies as a wife or woman, but that problem can be solved by striving to be someone’s second legal partner.
Another challenge with following this advice is that you might really like your single, unmarried, not-divorced person. I mean, sure. It’s your funeral, but I can’t live your life for you. All I’m saying is that marriage is a lot easier when someone’s already fucked around and found out. Expectations and standards get a lot lower when your paramour has already failed at forever once.
Now, it probably goes without saying, but I am R.’s second wife. And personally, I think I’m killing it. While I didn’t know that R. was still kinda-sorta-technically still married when we met, I was all in regarding what it meant for our potential future. I wasn’t even particularly miffed by the way I found out.
The details of R.’s legal separation emerged when I off-handedly asked him if he was previously married after my mom asked me that question, and I realized I didn’t actually know. Once he spilled the beans, I got to ask him if he was ever going to mention it on his own. That’s when he gave the most R. response ever: Shrugging as he said, “There wasn’t really a good time to bring it up.” I love this man.
While some people might be upset by this revelation, I was thrilled. I can’t even properly express how much I love it, but I will try. I’ve always wanted to be someone’s second wife. There are a number of reasons. First and foremost, I’m delighted that I’m a better fit for someone than another person was. My ego feels like that’s a win somehow.
I also love that the bar for my behavior is much lower now that someone else has behaved in a way that was so unappealing that you couldn’t remain married to them. I thoroughly enjoy that if I am annoying, the person will have to think, “Yea, but is this half-of-my-stuff-because-I-never-signed-a-prenup annoying or am I just going to let it go?” Seriously, what are you going to do? Get a second divorce? You could—people do—but I bet you’re not going to. I dare you to call my bluff.
All I’m saying is that if you know you’re A LOT as a person, you might want to restrict your future partnership options to divorcees. And there’s good news. Half of all marriages end in divorce. You’ll never lack for options! There are plenty of fish in the post-marriage sea, and honey, one of those guppies is for you. I’m happy to have found my forever fish. Cheers to a million more years being married to my first (and only) husband.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. If you’re curious what R. thinks about my marriage advice, he finds my love of being a second wife hilarious and endearing. That acceptance is a key reason why I’m not married to someone who can’t take a joke. Humorlessness ruins relationships. Spread the word.
Haha as someone joining the wrong side of the 50% statistic, this made me smile (and made me hopeful).
I am always pleased to hear something original about love and marriage! Good for you, Karli!