Should You Endure a Seven-Year Separation in Lieu of Divorce?
An investigation of Jada and Will’s weird ass marriage.
The other day I read a truly unhinged advice column query from a woman whose husband decided he was “unfulfilled” by his career and his role as a father to their two kids (aged four and six) and would be moving abroad to find himself without his family. He planned to legally separate from his wife. So, some totally normal behavior for a grown-ass man.
His wife, who was devastated by this bombshell and at a complete loss about how to tell their kids why daddy left without painting him as the selfish prick he clearly is, was writing to say that she would be divorcing this man to protect herself, her children and the marital assets to which she’s entitled. She was worried about not being able to pay the mortgage on her own and having to uproot her kids’ lives even more. A separation wasn’t going to cut it. She wanted OUT.
And frankly, who could blame her? I think the most incredible part—and I mean incredible in the truest sense of the word—is that this guy who decided, seemingly on a whim, that fatherhood was just not for him, thought that his wife would be cool not getting a divorce while he runs around Amsterdam (or wherever, but let’s be honest that this guy reeks of “find myself in Amsterdam” vibes) doing whatever the hell he wants. How would that situation in any way work for her?
I know what you’re thinking. Karli, how many of these Substack posts are going to be about your obsession with advice columns? And honestly, I don’t know. Maybe a lot of them (kidding…probably). But I have a point here, people! This woman’s plight is a relevant segue into something that’s actually become a pretty hot topic as of late: legal separation.
And why exactly is legal separation having a moment? So glad you asked. If you’ve been lucky enough to avoid this news I commend you, but perhaps you’ve heard that Jada Pinkett Smith “wrote” a memoir called Worthy. In it and the press she did surrounding the book release, Ms. Pinkett Smith revealed that she and her husband Will Smith (THE Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) have been legally separated since 2016.
Now, this seven-year separation comes as a bit of a shock for several reasons. The first is that the tabloids have pretty much had an annual issue dedicated to pronouncing that the two celebrities were on the precipice of divorce for what seems like decades. The reporting on this was sometimes so convincing that apparently Chris Rock once felt compelled to ask out Pinkett Smith some time in a pre-“the slap” era. When Pinkett Smith informed the comedian that the rumors were false, he supposedly apologized profusely and moved on, making jokes at her expense from time to time.
This incident is detailed in Worthy (which, full disclosure, I have not and would never read). Another event that is relevant to this discussion and is included in the memoir is the “entanglement” mocked around the world. For the uninitiated, this is when Ms. Pinkett Smith was thought to have had an extramarital affair with much-younger singer August Alsina. “Entanglement” was her word for what went down.
Pinkett Smith and Smith would later discuss this turn of events in 2020 on “Red Table Talk,” the talk show Pinkett Smith hosted with her mother Adrienne and daughter Willow. During that highly emotional and forever infamous episode, Pinkett Smith and Smith would say they were separated at the time. We now know that they had been separated for far longer than they led on and still are today (as far as anyone can know given how much obfuscation surrounds this relationship). “Red Table Talk” was cancelled after five seasons, but Pinkett Smith announced recently that it will return for 2024.
This timing probably has a lot to do with the book debut, the press around it and the fact that the couple will likely write a book together in the near-ish future. Apparently, it was the Oscars slap that made the separated couple do “really deep work” to repair their union. The highly cynical among us might say that this timeline sounds extremely convenient, but I digress.
On the surface, none of this matters even a little bit. Whatever nonsense the public relations spin machine concocts in the fantasyland that celebrates Hollywood coupledom is fine. It keeps the tabloids in business, and where would the supermarket checkout lines be without OK! and Star and the National Enquirer? For the purposes of the Yes, Misstrix Substack, this sensational fodder is good for one thing and one thing only: Investigating what would possess someone to be legally separated for YEARS instead of just getting divorced.
Now, if you ask Ms. Pinkett Smith, you will not get a straightforward or satisfying answer. Not that you wanted to follow in her footsteps. The extended drama between the two seems to be extremely convoluted, and I would hazard a guess that this is on purpose. Who are we to expect to know anyway? When we choose to read a celebrity memoir or engage in the conversation surrounding it, we get what said celebrity is willing to give us. So, let’s move on from the two people involved and consider why any two people might legally separate indefinitely.
To answer that question, we need to define legal separation and understand what this term is all about. If you listened to the audio companion on no-fault divorce, you’re probably a little familiar with how unsatisfactorily a lot of legal jargon gets defined for us laypeople. According to Forbes, “Legal separation occurs when a married couple becomes formally, legally separated.” Brilliant. No notes.
OK, a few notes. During a separation, spouses can live independent lives while still sharing healthcare benefits and figuring out how they will share and divide assets. If they choose to reconcile, they can simply end the separation without having to get remarried or jump through additional hoops. It also means that if your spouse does something financially crazy like quit their job and move abroad to find themselves, you can negotiate a separation agreement that addresses custody, marital assets, etc., similar to a divorce.
Without that court order, however… “Any income, real estate, retirement account, car, business, or debt acquired during the marriage is community property. This includes all property acquired during separation. Without a divorce, community property rights and debts continue to accrue.” That quote is from a law firm describing the rules in Texas, but there are other states that follow these laws, too. The Forbes article also goes on to say that legal separation can be used in lieu of a divorce or as a temporary situation on the journey to divorce.
When I met R., he was legally separated from his soon-to-be ex-wife while they worked to finalize their divorce. It worked out for me, but who knows what that poor woman’s dumbass husband from the Care and Feeding column had in mind. He seems like a real separate-forever kind of dude, am I right? Which brings up an interesting question: Why would someone opt to separate indefinitely instead of pursuing the more permanent state of full-on divorce?
There are reasons and potential benefits, some of which I listed above. Financial stability and the option to takesies-backsies more easily aside, religion and indecision regarding whether the couple truly has a future together are two other upsides to a legal separation. For this post, I’m more interested in the emotional reasons why two people would choose not to divorce and move on.
Let’s say those two people are independently wealthy and, despite not having signed a prenup, are going to be just fine monetarily in the event of a divorce. These people have also been living completely separate lives for seven years and only show up together at events to keep everyone from being in their business.
I know, I know. I said to forget about Will and Jada, but let’s pretend we’re talking about their situation without actually talking about them (because we really all need to stop giving their chaos attention). So, hypothetically, why would they stay together? And perhaps more importantly, would you do the same if you were in their Manolo Blahniks?
For some people, I truly believe that appearances reign supreme. A divorce can still be perceived as giving up or accepting defeat or a failure of sorts. Some spouses would rather stay together in some kind of way than feel the judgment of others or, worse yet, themselves. No one likes the idea of being the power couple who couldn’t make it work.
But if you’ve endured years of trying and therapy and counseling and working on it, shouldn’t it actually work at some point? There’s no way I’d stay in a relationship that felt like a chore or a problem to be solved. In the same way I believe none of us should be eating desserts that we’d describe as better than our sex lives, I don’t think it’s healthy to stay together for the sake of appearances. Seven years is long enough to know if your person is really your person or just someone you once loved and need to let go. It’s OK to bow out of relationships that suck. Celebrate the love that was and move the fuck on without regrets.
Ultimately, the choice to cut bait is yours to make. May we all be in fulfilling relationships that are overflowing with deep love and earth-shatteringly delicious orgasms. There are certainly times when separation is worth a shot. If your spouse blows up your relationship and leaves you to pick up the pieces though? My friend, you know what to do. To quote and expand on the title of Jada Pinkett Smith’s memoir, you are most definitely worthy of more.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix