Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that uttering, “Spank me, daddy. I’ve been a very naughty girl,” among consenting adults is one thing. It hits different in the context of a parent disciplining their actual child. A bit cringe, isn’t it? There’s a reason most of us feel gross even considering the implications. Spanking is a sex act. It very likely did not begin as a parenting technique. It is not an appropriate one now. And for some very good reasons I’ll get into later, it’s really best not to conflate the two.
If you can already feel yourself getting defensive (or grossed out or uneasy), that’s a good thing. I think you should pay attention to those feelings. This topic is a controversial one, but it’s something I feel strongly about. I stand by what I’m about to say here.
But before I potentially go into the “pissing people off” portion of this essay, I want to give some context of where I’m coming from. My parents spanked me a few times as a child, or so I’ve been told. I don’t remember the experience. I only remember the stories. It (supposedly) didn’t happen often, and yet, I have no memory of it at all. You know a common reason why children repress parts of their childhood? Because those parts are traumatic. More on that later.
Despite my more recent realization that spanking was bad for my psyche, I used to believe that I would spank my kids, too. (Or rather, I would make my partner do it because it seems like a task that falls within a man’s division of labor and I would feel weird about it, which is, perhaps, another pretty blatant red flag…) After all, my sister and I turned out OK. We grew to be good humans. We went to college and have jobs. We’re fully functioning adults. I figured that maybe the way my parents chose to discipline us had something to do with that. I don’t believe that anymore.
What changed my mind? Lots of things really, but the most eye-opening was a Slate article I read back in 2014 called, “Spanking is Great for Sex: Which is Why it’s Grotesque for Parenting.” I’ve never been able to forget the message Jillian Keenan shared more than eight years ago. Her words altered my perception irrevocably, and I want to pay homage to the fierceness of her work. She deserves a lot of credit for unflinchingly sharing what was (and, in some circles, still is) a rather unpopular opinion.
I recommend reading the full article (linked above) on Slate.com, but the crux of Keenan’s point is made in these three paragraphs (all hyperlinks are hers, bold is mine):
“I realize that many well-meaning parents will disagree with me, but spanking kids is gross. There are a lot of reasons why—it’s counterproductive and ineffective, for starters—but there’s another reason that nobody talks about. Butts are sexual. That’s why the area is one of the few “private” parts that, along with breasts and genitals, we feel the need to cover with a swimsuit. If a parent saw a teacher patting a child’s shoulder, it’d be no big deal. But if a parent saw a teacher patting a child’s butt, she would (rightly) be very alarmed.
“Spanking is a sex act. It has been for a very long time—probably even longer than it’s been a parenting choice. A fresco at the Etruscan Tomb of the Whipping, which dates back to approximately 490 B.C., depicts an erotic spanking. In Francum, a 1599 epigram by John Davies, includes one of the most explicit descriptions of sexual masochism in Renaissance poetry. In Victorian England—well, there are way too many examples to list them all, so suffice it to say that spanking was a constant focus of Victorian erotica.
“And butts aren’t just culturally sexualized; they’re biologically sexual, too. Nerve tracts that pass through the lower spine carry sensory information to and from both the butt and genitals. Some scientists speculate that these nerves can stimulate one region when the other is provoked. There’s also a blood vessel in the pelvic region called the common iliac artery. When blood rushes to a child’s butt—because, say, you’re spanking him—blood rushes down that artery. But the artery splits. Some of it directs blood to the genitals. So when you cause blood to rush to a child’s butt, you’re also causing it to rush to his or her other sex organs. The other time this kind of genital blood engorgement happens is during erection or arousal.”
Feeling queasy yet? I certainly did while reading that. Particularly because I also enjoy spanking as a sex act. After reading this piece, however, I had to wonder: Do I like it because of what happened to me during my formative years? I try very hard not to spiral down into that trauma-filled rabbit hole. I really don’t want to consider the idea that some of my kinks are the result of something my daddy did to me when I was a little girl. I’d like to avoid cultivating that same kind of shame within my daughter. That’s true no matter how she identifies, who she is attracted to or what she comes to find sexually pleasurable.
The other, less grotesque reason why spanking is horrible for correcting a child’s behavior is that it teaches all the wrong things. Have you ever seen those parents who yell at their children not to hit by slapping their hand or grabbing their little wrist with force? Seems counterproductive to marry a “don’t hit or hurt” message with the lesson that it doesn’t apply to the adult. To me, spanking a child communicates two things: 1. If I don’t like what you’re doing, I can overpower you and hurt you. 2. Inappropriate behavior justifies violence and/or a child’s humiliation. Pain and shaming are appropriate responses.
I don’t know about you, but I shudder to think that I am telling my child that either of those things is right or OK. I know I’m not alone. Spanking has fallen out of favor, especially in circles where emotional parenting techniques have taken over. I mostly find that the spanking diehards are mostly the type of people who say things like “I don’t want to raise a wimp” or “My dad used to beat me with a belt, so spanking my kids is nothing.”
I get the inclination to want to prepare kids to thrive in a tough and unfair world. I even understand the tendency to repeat a version of how you were raised. Outside of truly abusive parents, I believe that most people do what they think is best for their children. The majority of parents want their children to succeed.
But I also believe that we should think critically about what our actions actually express to the little ones in our lives. There are other techniques that are far more effective and much less damaging. I think we need to admit when a parenting strategy does more harm than good. We should be able to model something better than an outdated form of corporal punishment for our children.
Ultimately, parents get to do whatever they want when it comes to disciplining their children. I am choosing not to use physical punishment on my child. Instead, I’ll save the spanking for my sex life, where it belongs.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
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