Today was supposed to be an audio companion day—one where I made my triumphant return to my self-imposed publishing schedule—but since life has thrown some unexpected curveballs in the last few days (more on that below), I’m going to write what’s on my mind instead.
One of the most challenging things about being in a relationship is being able to deftly navigate the inevitable power dynamics. What do I mean by that? Well, no relationship is truly 50-50. Even when two partners are committed to a loving, equitable union, there will always points where one person has more power than the other.
Now, power within a relationship is tricky for a number of reasons. In some cases, society dictates who “wears the pants” in the relationship. This almost always means the person who makes more money or has more wealth or assets. I’m working on a very alienating post about money in relationships, so I’ll cover this concept in detail elsewhere.
For now, I will say that over the course of my relationship with R., he has made more money than me, but there have been times where I’ve been the sole source of our income (we combined our finances extremely early in our relationship, which worked out for us, but I would not recommend to everyone…same with the tattoos we got three months in—a story for another time). There was even one year where I made enough for us to thrive on just my income in the U.S., not just in Thailand, where the cost of living is much more reasonable if you want to actually…live.
But power doesn’t have to be about money. It can be about who has the more impressive career or who makes the majority of the decisions or who is the go-to person for handling the mountain of paperwork that defines your adult life. Power can be about the dominant in the bedroom. It can be about all of these things in different measures, many of which change or flip-flop back and forth over the course of a life together.
In my relationship, R. and I do our best to share power. R.’s total compensation with his new job is approximately four times what I pull in during an average year. But that doesn’t tell the full story. One of the reasons why my income is so much lower is that I am often the default parent for watching the Bean. In the absence of outside childcare, I care for the child. When we move and Baby E. begins daycare, this will change. I’ll have more bandwidth to take on additional work.
And even that doesn’t give you a full picture because R.’s compensation also accounts for our insurance. We each have our own retirement and investment accounts, but these are considered shared assets. We didn’t sign a prenup, so should something catastrophic happen to blow up our marriage, we can anticipate an equal split.
When it comes to decision-making, R. and I do not make decisions without the other person. We generally present a united front when faced with big decisions, even if we didn’t agree initially. I talked about how I wanted to rent out our Austin home, and R. preferred to sell. I eventually came around to his perspective. The way things have gone recently (laugh SOB), we might end up renting it for a while. Who’s to say?
The big thing with decision-making, however, is that R. is notoriously indecisive. You should see him trying to pick an entree at a restaurant, much less choose which offer on our home is best. He’s a Libra, which should explain everything if you’re an astrology person (or just a Libra yourself), but for the uninitiated, Libras are always seeking balance. You throw a wildcard like me into the mix, and you’re going to struggle a bit to keep the equilibrium.
That’s why I am often the final decider of things. We talk it out, look at all the perspectives, make our respective cases if they are different from one another. With all the information available, I’ll usually make the call and sell it to R. We usually agree and go from there. Sometimes, we don’t and have to go back to the drawing board, but usually, we get to a place where the decision works for both of us. We trust one another enough to know that we will make the best decision we can based on what we know.
Between the money and the decision-making, the default parenting and the paperwork mastery, I feel that the power dynamics in our relationship are generally within a few percentage points of one another. Neither of us has so much power as to have a true upper hand. We bring our separate skills to the table, and we try to value one another for what they bring (instead of disparaging their minor faults, such as their propensity to waste dish soap).
But having power in a relationship and standing in your own power are two completely different things. It’s a different kind of power-dynamics negotiation when two partners are learning how to coexist with one another and remain true to their most authentic selves. I know this sounds a little woo-woo, but an example will help illustrate why this is not complete nonsense.
When R. and I first got together (and for about seven years after that), I would constantly feel like I had to police my true emotions. I could never get too angry about something because R. would think I was yelling at him (when I was really just yelling into the void. I’m Italian and Slovenian. We’re very loud. Talking is yelling to my people).
Outside of the “yelling,” I felt like I always had to be the patient one, the nice one, the one who was bright and shiny when R. got a little dark. I was the balance to his masculine emotions. I lived in my femininity, but it made me very passive. I don’t like to argue with R. (or anyone really), so I would let stuff go, even if it bothered me more than I was willing to admit in the moment. I didn’t feel empowered to give him feedback about what I needed, so I never pushed any of the issues.
This is a bad pattern for me. Because I tend to intellectualize my emotions rather than fully feel them, I have become a genuine expert at pushing things down so deep I can ignore that they are there for DECADES. Not to brag or anything, but I forgot for several years that I had been raped. I’m probably the best person you know at disassociating from trauma. I bring my A game.
But eventually, enough is enough. We need to change or risk losing who we really are and who we’re meant to be. I was ready to stop backing down all the time. The constant acquiescing had to go. It’s taken a lot of work to stop hiding from myself and to stop hiding myself from other people. My authentic self is not a fucking pushover. She is a powerful sorceress, so it was time to start acting like it.
These days, perhaps to R.’s dismay (although I don’t think so because he loves me for all of me), I say what I think. I disagree more. I don’t let anyone’s anger push me from my perspective. I speak with love, but I also believe that the truth is kind. And honestly, I’m still working on it. I inevitably hold back sometimes, but I try to be aware of it. I stand more in my power, which really means that I stand up for myself, for what I believe and for what I want.
And I try to do this with all my relationships. I’ve finally gotten to the place where the people in my life are the right ones. They can see me fully and hold space for who I am. I can be honest about what I’m feeling, even if I don’t like what I’m feeling. I don’t have to be afraid that the people around me will try to hold things over my head or hurt my feelings or use me and turn against me. Those days are over.
But the transition from being passive to being powerful is often jarring for people. Simply put, some people aren’t going to like the new you. They’ve gotten comfortable with the person who backs down, who doesn’t want a confrontation, who stays a little bit small just to make the other person feel bigger. Some people are going to feel intimidated, and they will likely lash out in childish ways. This can be challenging but a good sign you’re on the right tack. You need to stay the course.
Some people, like R., however, are going to take the changes in stride. They are going to see that you’re working on yourself, and even if the relationship sometimes gets more tense than it used to, they take things in stride. They love you for being brave enough to be your full self. These are your people. They can handle the shift in power dynamics, and it will often inspire them to stand more authentically in their own power, thus creating the balance all people (not just our beloved Libras) want in their relationships.
The longer I stand in my own power, the more I begin to realize that some people just aren’t comfortable with people who live from this place. And let’s be honest. By “people,” I mostly mean “not men.” Last night I was watching The Idea of You on Prime, and one of the characters fired these shots: “Oh, didn’t I tell you? Society hates happy women.” Happy is often synonymous with being powerful, but it’s nearly always synonymous with not giving a fuck, especially about other people’s opinions.
The most recent personal example of people being uncomfortable with a powerful woman is how much our real estate agents absolutely hate talking to me. It’s kind of hilarious really because they will go out of their way to contact R. instead of me. I’ve felt this way since I turned down the cash offer, but yesterday, they might as well have put a neon sign up in my office to indicate that this was 100 percent true.
To give you some background, our agents are a man and a woman. The man, T., was the person who helped us buy our home to begin with. I reached out to him to see if he would be interested in helping us sell. After this, he has only ever communicated with R. via text or with us cc’d together on an email. Initially, the woman, P., kept forgetting to include R. on emails. Ever since the rejected cash offer in lieu of a higher non-cash offer, T. and P. pretty much only want to chat with R.
The incident from yesterday was regarding the appraisal on our home. T. had talked to R. earlier in the week because the appraisal guy reached out to T. to learn more about the home. He had appraised the home at one price, and T. tried to point out that the comps were not good, he wasn’t accounting for all the high-quality upgrades we made, etc. Appraisal guy said OK. T. then got an update he wanted to share with R. Because R. was out of pocket (literally in the ER dealing with a non-life-threatening-but-still-painful issue), he told T. to contact me instead because I would be available, without sharing details about why.
Many hours later, I get a call from both agents. I texted R. before they called because I was almost positive they were trying to figure out how to talk to me instead of him. Like, they needed to conference on how best to approach the unreasonable one. When they called, this was obvious. The news was less than ideal. Not only did we not hit the appraisal minimum we needed to meet for this deal, appraisal dude actually lowered the figure by $7k after talking with our agents. LOL!
T. and P. wanted to present options. We could pay for another appraisal (since even the loan officer felt this was a poor appraisal). We could see if the buyer would do that since she loved the home so much. We could see about splitting that cost. We could come down in price. We could prepare for the fact that we might need to go back on the market. We could light the home on fire and collect the insurance money.
OK, fine, not that last one. I, obviously, didn’t love the idea of shelling out $700 for another crap shoot appraisal, especially when this bank refused to consider the $15k worth of solar panels on our roof or any of our upgrades. I didn’t even want to split the cost. I am OK going back on the market. Not a single buyer has balked at our asking price. The appraisal is the problem. No one looking at our home is complaining that it’s overpriced. I also suggested that the agents plead our case to the loan officer who really wants this deal to go through.
But I was abundantly clear: I’m not selling this home for less than asking, and even that would be a travesty. This went over fine. I could tell they wanted me to be OK with selling for less. I’m not. I’m not fucking doing that.
Maybe I’m stubborn, but I’m not going to panic and try to dump this house for less than what I know people will pay for it. I don’t care what other people think or what’s “logical.” I’m standing in the strength of my sorceress power, and I’m not backing down. The right buyer is out there. Maybe we haven’t found them yet. It’s not the end of the world.
Armed with new action items, the agents asked about next steps. “So, once we have some updates, should we reach out to R., and then he can update you or…” I finally had enough. “R. is in the ER, so you’re stuck with me.” And honestly, they should be fucking grateful they got me. R. was LIVID. He was so pissed about the botched appraisal that he wanted to fire them. Having that conversation with him would have been so much less fun than the one they had with me.
Regardless of how this all shakes out, I’m refusing to panic. I’m exhausted from worrying about whatever thing I can’t control, so I’m going to stay in my own energy and let the universe work this shit out. The one thing I do know is that standing in our power allows the circumstances to shake out how they need to for our highest good. That doesn’t mean we always get everything we want, but it does mean that we can create the best possible situation for ourselves. When we are unshakeable, nothing outside of us has the power to bring us down.
…even the fact that our agents still haven’t reached out to me with updates.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. Hey, did you know that I am an amazing tarot reader? It’s true. My readings are profound for people. If you’d like to experience this for yourself (but feel intimidated by a private session focused solely on you), check out my upcoming group reading. All info is under the workshops section of my website here.