That Time My Ex and I Banged Another Couple
It wasn't my jam, and I'm not inclined to repeat the experience.
There’s a pizza place in Portland, OR, called Pinky’s. They specialize in artisan pies and are known for their impressive whiskey menu. I’ve eaten there many times. The food is delicious, and although I can’t attest to the caliber of the whiskey options (I was mostly a vodka girly at the time), none of their consumables are essential to this story. My main memory of Pinky’s is that it was the place where my then-boyfriend and I met up with another couple before heading back to their place to bang. We ordered the pizza to go.
As with most of my stories, we have to go back a bit before we can charge forward. This whole entanglement began when my boyfriend decided that we should go on Tinder to find other people to fuck. I was less than thrilled by this idea. Our sex life left a lot to be desired, mostly, in my humble opinion, due to a lack of effort on his part, but his proposed solution wasn’t particularly attractive to me.
For one, thing I’d already been in a four-some setup with a friend’s former girlfriend and two dudes I did not find appealing even under the influence of rose-colored beer goggles. It had been less than satisfying. I mean, my friend’s ex definitely got me off, which was pretty hot, but I’m not attracted to women in the same way. I was honest and told her I didn’t think I could return the favor, which she was fine with. The whole thing was awkward.
I also remain convinced that trying to have a fulfilling threesome is difficult enough. There are a lot of erogenous zones to keep track of, and pleasure is a distraction. Have you ever tried to keep someone focused during a 69 when you’re both kind of suffocating while trying to work hard and play hard? Now add another body or two. It’s incredibly challenging to do well.
Which is why I wasn’t particularly excited to meet up with W. and B. at The Alibi Tiki Lounge to feel out whether they were fuckable in person. I remember we were running late because my ex A. was basically allergic to timeliness. This made me anxious. I hated being late. It proved to be a nice cover for the fact that I also hated that we were doing this. And they chose The Alibi, and if you know, you know that THAT in and of itself is a CHOICE.
Despite leaving late, I think we arrived first and sat near the fish tank. We ordered weird, floofy drinks adorned with colorful toothpick umbrellas and stared at them until our potential orgy-mates arrived for a pre-bang get-to-know-you sesh. W. and B. were objectively hot. Both blond creatives, W. was tall and lean and rocked an undone mohawk that actually worked for him. B., his better half, was beautiful and soft in the feminine way that women sometimes are. She had gorgeous tits. They were lovely and somewhat experienced in this sort of thing.
W. and B. were married, but had somewhat mismatched libidos. W. wanted all the sex all the time. B. was fine for her husband to fill that need with other women from time to time. They’d explored other women together and W. had done so alone with B.’s enthusiastic consent. B. admitted that although she found women to be beautiful, she shared my reticence to round whatever base oral falls into. She admitted that she had felt a little jealous at certain points. Ultimately, she realized it turned her on more than it didn’t.
A. and I would be their first couple, and they would be ours. I was adamant that I wouldn’t be doing anything after the initial meet up. I wanted right of first refusal. A. was all in, and after months of him making me feel like I was somehow not enough, my self-esteem was low enough to go along. This was my preferred ratio. I wasn’t into the idea of a two-girl threesome, just as he wasn’t down for a two-dude one. With a couple, we each got to play together and switch. How bad could it be?
It wasn’t…great. But it wasn’t horrible either. At least from what I remember, which to be honest, is not a ton. This is just the type of uncomfortable sexual experience I like to mostly repress. So, I recall an overweight brown labrador retriever named Oadie. The home had an upstairs with a living room and a kitchen. Oadie had to stay upstairs because he was a watcher. He laid claim to the couch. The master bedroom was downstairs, and the four of us set out to get laid in the gigantic bed that took up nearly the entire space.
I believe the evening began with our respective partners. We needed to get comfortable, after all. We’d only met the once previously. That fateful night at The Alibi counted as foreplay. Now, we were just hoping to make this orgy orgasmic on vibes alone. It wasn’t really that for me. I felt a lot of feelings. I felt wanted and sexy, but I also felt jealous even though I didn’t want to. And my God, I absolutely could not wait to take that pizza home and eat it. I really, truly believed we were going to eat beforehand. I was very hungry.
So, I had a fine time with W. A lovely bit of kissing and touching with B. They liked us enough to ask us to stay the night and to invite us back as a couple. W. asked to see me again solo. I knew he was enjoying my company because he asked a very weird declarative question about whether I was a vegan. A. did not get such a callback from B., but of course, he didn’t. You can’t be lazy in bed with a woman and expect her to fall head over heels for your dick. I digress. I wasn’t going to do this again. It was a real one-and-done for me. I cannot begin to describe how uncomfortable I felt…or how fast I took that pizza off the table, gave Oadie a pat and drove home to have the night I wanted with a Pinky’s The Crandall pie.
This post was oddly hard to write. I don’t know that I’ve properly processed the experience, although I do understand that there was a valuable lesson. That entire horrible relationship was one big lesson, actually. What I know now with the benefit of hindsight is that how we feel about ourselves is reflected in how other people treat us in our relationships. We should be with people who think we are enough, but we cannot do that if we don’t think we are enough. I did not feel good about myself then. I continued to be with someone who reinforced and validated those feelings, and then, I became very small.
So, perhaps it goes without saying that you shouldn’t do sexually adventurous things you don’t want to do because someone else wants to do them and you don’t want to seem like a wet blanket. You should be the dampest duvet in the world, if that’s how you want to be. I think this foursome debacle taught me a lot about who I want to be in my relationship with myself and with the person I choose to share my life with. I’m not a person who wants to share and switch. I want to be all the way in with one person. Preferably, one who gives me orgasms and knows I don’t need to be vegan to taste delightful.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix