The Sexless Sleepover
Or, How to Tell Someone You’re Not That Into Them…Without Telling Them You’re Not That Into Them
I have been party to exactly one sexless sleepover in my life, and in my defense, I did not think it was going to go down that way. We spent an entire day on foreplay, from the touching in the car to the frolicking at the watering hole. He literally said he couldn’t wait to get me home. I think I can be forgiven for assuming that meant something sexier than cuddling in bed with intercourse entirely off the table.
This nonsense really messed with my track record. I am, if nothing else, a closer. When someone is clearly interested but too shy to make the move, I am the one who makes sure we get around the bases. In all my years of playing this game, the weirdass night in question was the first (and only!) time I struck out in the bottom of the ninth. I don’t think I have to tell you that it sucked. Or that it was a complete waste of time and sexual energy. Nothing says “I don’t want to be with you” quite like inviting someone over just to fuck with them instead of actually fucking them.
Not to be controversial here, but if you’re still hanging out with a date at their place during the hour when one might send an ill-advised “U up?” text, then I think it’s only appropriate for some nudity to be involved. This is not the time for heavy petting and regrets. This is not the time to worry about what your ex-girlfriend’s dad thinks about the healthiness of how you express your masculinity. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT. SHOW ME YOUR DICK. Jesus Christ, dude. You’re being a lot and all of it is bad.
Sexual frustration is my least favorite feeling. Can you tell? I don’t want to hang out at your house and have to rub one out myself. I could do that at home. And at this point, imagining you is much better than the real deal. Fantasy You is nasty in a good way. Fantasy You can’t wait to get his dick wet. Fantasy You isn’t a liar and a tease and perhaps a little too into edging and denial. I mean, if you want me to deny you, that’s great. I’m into it. I will gladly dominate you. You can start by getting on your knees and licking my clit until I get off. Your kink is not my kink, Nicholas. We are not the same.
Then again, perhaps you were perfectly clear all along. This was supposed to be your apology date to me after having ghosted for a week. You failed miserably, but I gave you the opening. I think we both know you were still trying to court your ex. Why else would you go to that men’s workshop her dad recommended? What was the purpose of being evasive about the fact that you clearly spent the previous week hanging out with her? I should have known better than to bestow second chances on a boy who fails to properly articulate his intentions.
Thankfully, the sexless sleepover spoke loud and clear. Lesson learned: You weren’t that into me. And your ex was not that into you. Alas, with that out in the open, we could all stop wasting our time.
With Pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
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