Ask Better Questions. Give Better Compliments.
How long are we going to blame the pandemic for our conversational failures?
A few months ago, I discovered a curious playlist pop up in my Spotify library. “Your Top Songs 2016” was mysterious in that it revealed itself in 2023 and is the only Top Songs playlist before or since. It also turns out that based on the range of most-listened-to songs on the six-hour-and-17-minute playlist, 2016 was a WILD year for your girl.
I can literally trace the timeline of the year in Portland from the aftermath of an attempt to salvage a loving relationship with a complete narcissist to the inevitable breakup and sexcapades that followed, including a very hot rendezvous in the Mile High City, before meeting R. and falling in love all over again. So naturally, I’ve been listening to the mosaic that is my musical palate on repeat. It’s a revival of seven-years-ago sounds. A delight for the auditory senses!
And because I contain multitudes, one of the songs I’m currently reveling in is “See You Again” By Miley Cyrus. That’s right, people. HANNAH MONTANA Miley, and her inaugural hit, no less. For those who are less familiar with the lyrical majesty that is a song about absolutely mangling small talk with a boy you have a crush on, there’s a particular line that sparks in me a philosophical pondering.
At one point in the chorus, Miley is describing a truly awkward as fuck interaction between herself and her boycrush—one that her BFF Leslie happens to witness: “The last time I freaked out/ I just kept looking down/ I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinkin' 'bout.” “That’s so funny,” I said aloud to myself alone in my car. “The most unrealistic part of this whole song is that some dude asked her what she was thinking about…when’s the last time a man asked you what’s on your mind?”
I can tell you about the last time for me. Prior to R. learning to deflect my journalistic line of questioning about his day, his thoughts, sexy things he likes, how he embodies his masculinity, what he wants for dinner, if I’d be as great at “wealth” as I’m confident I would be, etc., with some questions of his own, basically never. I’ve been on entire dates where the guy never asked me a single question about myself. Apparently, I’m not alone in that.
So, this newsletter is about what the hell is going on in the world right now. The quality of our discussions is declining rapidly (I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed), and there’s only so long we can blame the pandemic for our ongoing failure to communicate like normal human beings. I’m not pointing fingers either. Since having baby E. (who is screaming as I write this), I’ve somehow become a woman I don’t recognize—the person who looks at texts and emails and thinks “I’ll reply to this when I have a second to be thoughtful about it,” only to respond days or WEEKS later. It’s a horror show, friends! We must do better.
Luckily, I think there’s an easy two-part solution to our current conversational woes. The first is to ask better questions. The second is to give better compliments. I don’t know a single chat that couldn’t be improved by one or both of these two elements, even if we’re too spacey to respond in a timely manner (although be sure to apologize, if that’s the case). If the root of the communication problem is that we’ve allowed surface-level conversations filled with mindless small talk to dominate our connections with others—and I would argue that this is a big part of it—we need some tools to help us go deeper with the people in our lives.
Before we get into the logistics of how to make this happen, let’s be clear that not every person in our lives is worthy of soul-baring discussions. Asking “how are you?” and “what’s the weather been like in your area this summer?” is perfectly suitable for most acquaintances. These inquiries can even be fine enough kickoff questions that lead to deeper discussions (though I’d say there are probably better options available) and if you don’t have a lot of time to get into a whole-ass discussion, give yourself permission to keep things light and breezy. But with the people you value and cherish in your life? I think we can make a greater effort to relate.
Now, I will admit that two things make this somewhat easier for me. I graduated from journalism school, so I know how to ask questions that open people up and get them thinking. That’s one. The other is that if “knowing things about other people” were a love language, that would be my number one. I really want to understand the people in my inner circle on a level that other people in their lives might not. Given my obsession with advice columns and reading reviews about movies and TV shows I’ll probably never watch, I am also just generally curious to know about people and things.
These two traits certainly give me an advantage in knowing what to ask, but they aren’t, like, superpowers or anything. Anyone can learn to ask better questions and give better compliments. I think simply starting to ask questions of the people in your life would be a huge step forward for many people. And for the love of God, please do not be the date who doesn’t care enough about the person you’re meeting to learn anything about them.
Here are a few general (but intriguing) questions to get you started:
1. VBG: What’s one thing from this week you need to vent about? What’s one thing you’d like to brag about? What’s one thing you’re grateful for?
2. Potential Hobby: What’s something you’d like to do in your spare time that you haven’t tried yet?
3. Travel Plans: Where are three places you’d eventually like to travel to? Where’s somewhere you’ve heard a lot of people talk about but have no interest in going yourself?
4. Food: What’s a food that everyone seems to love but you think is utterly disgusting? What unconventional food combination is comforting to you but would seem odd to most other people?
Maybe none of those appeal to you. That’s OK. Come up with your own. When you’re interested in people, it’s easy to ask thoughtful, engaging questions about whatever they’re already saying. It obviously shouldn’t feel like an interrogation, but only weirdly defensive people think you’re interviewing them when you’re asking to hear more. If a close friend says something like, “work has been really exciting lately,” that statement opens itself up to a number of follow-up questions that could potentially bring both parties closer together. People tend to like talking about themselves, which helps, too.
Now onto compliments. Anyone can tell you something nice about your physical appearance, and you’ll most likely be grateful for the kindness. But in a world where we are moving away from commenting on people’s bodies, it’s even better to compliment the people you know well on the traits they possess below the surface. I’d encourage you to think about what you really like and admire about someone. Frame your compliment around that.
For example, you might really love someone’s purse or patterned pants. It’s perfectly fine to say so. But perhaps you could also say that you really appreciate their sense of style because they are always finding wonderful pieces. Or maybe you’re inspired to up your own fashion game whenever you see them looking so put together. Instead of complimenting someone’s smile—something they can only control to a certain level—you note that their friendliness and welcoming nature always lifts your spirits or that you admire how they brighten whatever room they walk into with their positive presence.
You get the idea. Compliments about physical things are nice but fleeting. Mentioning something you admire about a person’s character is likely to have a much bigger impact. It will probably be more meaningful to them, as it’s less about the things anyone can buy or the genes they can’t control. R. gave me the best compliment of all time when he said that I was genuinely his favorite writer (and not just because he’s fucking me). I almost cried. That’s how much his sincerity meant to me.
Keep in mind that you also don’t know if the thing you’re complimenting someone on happens to be a sore subject for them, particularly if it’s a physical trait. I’ll give you a personal example. I’ve gotten a very lovely compliment about my neck being long and elegant, but I also have a hard memory of being made fun of for the length of my neck when I was in high school. What my neck looks like is something I’ve come to accept and love about myself, but I don’t really appreciate being unintentionally forced to confront my past feelings about it. Character compliments generally avoid emotional landmines. They’re the safer bet.
Ultimately, the pandemic did force us to change the way we communicated and connected for a significant amount of time, but if you’re reading this, you’re an adult. I understand why younger children without these skills may be struggling to catch up. Adults don’t have the same excuse. We just got lazy. We let the filter of the Zoom screen put up conversational barriers, and we have to be diligent about bringing them back down.
And frankly, some of us never cared enough to grow and improve our communication skills before COVID, which made the opportunity to hide behind our screens all the more attractive. We owe it to ourselves to get out of our comfort zones. We have hundreds of opportunities every day to better connect with the people we love and value. I challenge you to start asking better questions and giving better compliments. I think you’ll be blown away by the connection you foster as a result. We got this!
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
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