Forget the Bubble Bath. Have an Affair Instead.
Why some women are opting for a new kind of self-care.
What would you do if you loved your partner but weren’t getting your sexual needs met inside the relationship? Would you break up? What if there were kids involved or financial entanglements? What if said partner refused to talk about the issues you raised, much less go to therapy? What if the sex was the only part of the relationship that left something to be desired?
These are precisely the nuanced and complicated questions Jo Piazza’s She Wants More podcast asks women engaged in affairs. Apparently, female infidelity is on the rise and has been since the early 1990s. In the decades since “The Rachel” first became vogue, the rate at which women cheat has increased a whopping 40 percent. There is a call to find answers, an urgency to learn more.
Jo wants to know, and frankly, so did I. After first reading about She Wants More in a Bustle article that interviewed its host, I listened to the first episode of the podcast, “Is Everyone Having an Affair These Days?” this afternoon. In it, not-her-real-name Nicki shares her foray into world of extramarital affairs via infamous internet coupler AshleyMadison.com.
I won’t spoil the episode for those who want to tune in for themselves, but for the purposes of this post, I wanted to note that Nicki’s reason for pursuing extracurricular activities with other men was one I’ve often heard from women I know who have cheated: Their husband wasn’t willing to give them the type of sex they desired. As was the case with Nicki and my former friend, their spouses’ discomfort with spanking, hair-pulling and other kinks that tiptoe outside the vanilla flavor spectrum prompted them to look elsewhere for someone to meet their needs.
But that’s not the full story. Women don’t just have affairs to scratch an itch their partners won’t. They also cheat to feel good about their appearance and bedroom prowess, to regain their sexual confidence, to reenergize what may have become a mundane marriage and an even duller life. Women cheat as a form of self-care.
Nicki admitted as much when she said that sleeping with other men made her feel alive again. She was more confident in all aspects of her personal and professional life. The affair removed a lot of the resentment that had built up in her partnership over sexual fulfillment. She was happier, less depressed, more present. Ultimately, she showed up more fully for her marriage knowing she had someone else to meet her bedroom needs.
I find this sentiment to be fascinating, albeit relatively unsurprising. I can relate on some level. Until I met my husband at 28, I cheated on every partner I’d ever had since high school. My reasons weren’t noble. I was either bored, felt sexually neglected or simply wanted to be with someone who saw me as a hot piece of ass long after my boyfriend du jour stopped paying attention. I can’t say I showed up better in my partnerships—because I was never with anyone who felt worthy of trying to make things work—but I did understand the appeal of not relying on a single man to meet all my many, varied needs.
Besides, can any one person do this successfully? She Wants More seeks to develop this theme as well. If women are in fact cheating more (instead of just talking about it more and fudging the statistics as a result), what do they really want? What exactly are they looking for?
The podcast, which is based off the book A Passion for More: Affairs that Make or Break Us by Susan Shapiro Barash, interviewed the author about what the hell is going on. Shapiro Barash is somewhat of an expert. She not only (literally) wrote the book, she’s also been studying women who have affairs for more than thirty years.
The simple answer is this: As women continue to push past the limitations of their societally instituted roles of good daughter, wife, mother and caretaker, they need partners who can keep up—whether that’s one person or multiple. They’re no longer satisfied with the bare minimum, black-and-white blandness of before-color Pleasantville. Women desire vibrant, passionate, heart-pounding, pussy-dripping, orgasmic lives. Women want more, and personally, I don’t blame them.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. Today is my 35th birthday! I’m excited to be able to share this news in a Substack that allows me to fulfill my purpose as a writer, a proudly sexual woman and soon-to-be girl mama. Thank you for subscribing and for your support! If you’d like to get me something nice for my next year around the sun, please share this newsletter with someone you think would like it. I’m grateful to have such wonderful readers. Love to you all!