One of the things I’ve always believed is that break-up sex is the best kind of sex there is. That nothing could ever compare to the hotness of a failed love affair resurrected for a single night. That the titillating excitement of fucking one’s ex sans strings and without the distraction of their drive-killing bullshit would be tough to beat in a competition between the various types of bangs.
This stance on break-up sex is not ill-informed. For all my meandering musings on the subject of intercourse, I’ve got some indisputable facts to back it up. Break-up sex has a couple of notable things going for it. For one, hatred is sometimes hot. Anger can get the juices flowing, so to say, and it’s unlikely you ended your relationship because you loved your partner a little too much.
Another perk of break-up sex is that everyone’s showing off a bit. This isn’t just another romp in the sheets, my friends. You’ve got something to prove. Otherwise, how would that no-good-cheating-bastard fully comprehend what he’s missing? Does he really think that Kimberley with the good hair from accounting can get down like this? Not on your watch, sister! I digress, but you get the idea.
The other thing break-up sex has that some of the other fuck types lack is an awareness of one another likes. Unless you ended the relationship because your partner was un-fucking-believably bad in the bedroom, you probably found them sexy and attractive at some point. You probably found a way to get one another to O-town or, at the very least, take an extended trip to Pleasureville.
Now, for all its favorable qualities, break-up sex does have some drawbacks, the biggest being that you’re banging someone you no longer love and potentially can’t really stand. I would argue that it’s not for everyone. There is the caveat that you shouldn’t pursue this kind of betwixt-sheets comingling with just anyone. Certain exes are best kept at a distance.
Still, all the usual objections aside, break-up sex remains a better option than sex with strangers, sex because I feel bad about myself, makeup sex and strictly vanilla sex with my life partner of many years. And if you’d have asked me a few years back, I might have even ranked vacation sex a close second to its break-up-induced cousin. “Sure, getting down on vacation is fun,” I’d have said, “but can it really compare to the hotness of hating someone so intently you absolutely have to make them question all the life choices that led them to a life without you? I think not.”
Here today as a thirty-year-old woman with a hot husband that she loves deeply and has a lot of fun getting down and dirty with, I’d officially like to revisit my previously stated opinion. We are currently vacationing in the Outer Banks with R.’s extended family (advanced apologies to anyone reading this newsletter who is also on said vacation) and the sex has been downright world-altering. I could get used to this.
In all fairness to break-up sex, there are some mitigating factors that could be contributing to how mind-blowing banging in the Outer Banks has been. For one, R. and I are just now getting back to it after having a baby. Despite how frantically I pestered the midwife about when I could get back to our regularly scheduled sexual activities (and also take baths again), you’d think bedroom things would have happened a bit sooner.
Unfortunately, I did not account for the fact that 1. Parenting is sometimes exhausting. 2. Having a new body can be a bit of a downer. 3. Said baby might co-sleep (slash cockblock you at every turn). 4. Time is now at a premium, and sleep is a very attractive consumer of said time. You may have heard rumors about these three considerations. I’m here to tell you that you can go ahead and believe the hype.
Here in the OBX, R. and I have had the pleasure of being around people who like babies and are willing to help you with them. Suddenly, over-tiredness and time are no longer precluding you from your erotic proclivities. And thank God for the modern marvel that is the Pack-n-Play. What a game changer to baby-free sexy times. Our current bassinet setup is on borrowed time back in Austin.
And finally, while vacationing with children can sometimes rightly be called “parenting in new places,” R. and I have used our after-dark alone time wisely. So long as we don’t wake the slumbering baby, we have plenty of space to pound one another in peace. Vacation sex, you beautiful beach (sorry), you have won me over. I’ll take a week of frolicking in my bikini with my super-attractive husband over hate-fucking any one of my loser exes any day. After all, I’m perfectly capable of showing off without fuel of red-hot anger, and for all the time R. and I have spent together in the last eight years, I very much know what my man likes.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. The Unleash Your Inner Writer workshop is officially open! Click the link to learn about the details and sign up. I’m downright giddy about this workshop, so please join me for an evening of writerly fun. As I mention in the post, you can email me (or simply reply to this newsletter) with any questions. I’m happy to help. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you there.
P.P.S. One quick favor: Could you please forward the event details to anyone you think might be interested in attending the workshop? There’s a share button at the bottom of the event page that makes this really easy. I’m sure you know someone who is thinking about writing a book (or about to tackle another writing project of sorts). Thank you in advance for helping to spread the word!