Using Gendered Energy and Sex to Manifest the Life You Truly Desire
If you've ever spent a whole lot of time attracting the wrong people (or Googling 'sex magic' to no avail), Sabrina M. Scott has some thoughts.
Here at Yes, Misstrix, I often have the pleasure of speaking with amazing people doing fascinating work in the realm of sex, sensuality, sexuality and desire. This is the conclusion to my two-part interview with Sabrina M. Scott, who masterfully weaves the themes of gender, sexuality and energy into her work as a spiritual teacher, tarot reader, author, artist, podcaster and business coach. Below, we chat about wounded masculinity, the ethics of using partnered sex to manifest and how women can tap into feminine energy to avoid dating man-babies. Read part one here.
YM: We finished last week’s conversation by talking about how, for you, plastic surgery was gender affirming and helped you on your embodiment journey. Maybe not completely, but your first book, Witchbody, metaphorically discusses some of these themes as well.
SMS: Hilariously, that book was my master’s project, and I actually finished it not long after I got my first plastic surgery. So, I got my boobs done when I was 23, and I probably published that book when I was 25 or something. To me, it was related, you know, because I think changing your body and taking ownership of your body is a magical act. The book isn't really about changing your body, but if I'm going to relate it to what's going on in my brain now, changing your body and taking ownership over the shape that body takes is an active manifestation. And to me, that is hugely witchy, hugely magical, no matter what.
The book is about witchcraft as a form of environmental education. It's about how magic teaches us that we are already collaborating with other-than-human entities and beings at all times. So, I'm collaborating with this bed. There's a cat on the bed. There are probably two cats on the bed. It's raining outside, there's a candle, there's roses on my alter, there are statues. I'm in this constant state of collaboration with my surroundings, and so is everybody else. We are always touching each other. We're always influenced by each other. We're always making magic together.
The book is about answering the question, ‘What is Magic?’ And for me, it is collaborative. It's that process of intentional collaboration that we’re always already in. But I think the difference between everybody and witches is that witches acknowledge that, and then they work with those entities to create intentional change together. That's the short version.
It's very philosophical. It's very rambly. It's very mundane. There's a scene where I am dumpster diving flowers from a funeral home, and I actually did that, and I put them on my altar. That's very witchy thing I did, but there's also a scene of me burying and praying in front of some dead mice that my cats killed at my old apartment. The mice were always finding their way in, and my cats would murder them. Then, I would actually collect them in plastic bags and put them into the freezer to then bury them when the ground thawed. Then, I would pray over them and give them a little funeral.
For me, that is all witch crap. That’s all magic. That's what it means to be a witch in an urban environment, and that's the other thing I talk about in the book, too. Magic is always already here. So, one of my big concepts in that book is to convey the importance of connecting with what I call ‘reinvigorated presence.’
A lot of people talk about re-enchantment and re-enchanting the world, and I absolutely fucking hate that. I find it ridiculous because the world is always already enchanted. There is no re-enchanting to be done. What needs to change is people's ability to notice. That's what reinvigorated presence is all about. It's about being exactly where you are and reinvigorating that presence with the act of noticing how magical that actually is.
You see a lot of people talk about spirituality and magic saying, ‘Oh, we have to go out into the forest. We’ve got to go out on a wilderness retreat,’ and that's fine, but you really don't have to do that. It's going to be magical over there for sure, but it's also magical in my building and in my room right now. We don’t have to ‘go into nature.’ That’s also what my book is about. It’s this rejection of nature and magic as other, and embracing that it’s already here. We just have to open our eyes to it, which most people don’t do. That’s why I wrote the book.
YM: So, say someone is interested in starting this work of embracing magic, and they want to work with their masculine and feminine energies. How do they get started?
SMS: That's a good fucking question. Well, obviously, they should take my courses first [laughs]. They should. But you know what's interesting? I have been thinking about this, and I kind of feel like dealing with masculine and feminine energy is actually kind of advanced. It kind of is. I feel like thinking about energy in a gender-neutral way is actually probably the first step to getting a really solid understanding of what energy is.
So, how do I feel it? Am I clairvoyant, do I mostly see? Do I mostly feel, am I clairsentient? Am I mostly clairaudient, do I mostly hear? How does energy most easily express itself to me? It’s important to have a really good understanding of where you’re at energetically. For example, do you know how to shift the energy in a space? Do you know how to energetically protect yourself? Do you know how to shield? Do you know how to charge an object with energy?
I think knowing how to do all that stuff actually would be my first tip. I'd like someone to just get the energy basics down because if people don't have the energy basics down, then understanding the energetic polarity of masculine and feminine is going to be a lot harder. But at the same time, if someone does have that awareness…hmm, that means I need to launch a few new courses [laughs].
But as to what can people just do…I feel like I would give different advice if I'm talking to someone who is a man wanting to get in touch with his masculine energy versus a woman trying to get in touch with her feminine energy. I’m assuming that most people reading your newsletter are going to be women, so I'll speak to that. I think an important shift that people can make is to understand that feminine energy is about being. It's not about thinking, and it's not about doing. That doesn't mean you're a thoughtless idiot or an inanimate robot. It just means that you cannot do your way into feminine energy.
At first you might feel like you are, but it really is this seismic shift from the inside where you become this magnet. This all sounds like very weird and hippie I realize, but that's kind of what my experience has been with it. It’s learning to be in this space of non-action, learning to be in a space of leaning back and receiving. I think the easiest space for women to practice this is going to be in dating actually. That’s my opinion. So, if everyone reading this is single, lucky for you!
Let’s use that as an example. Let’s say someone is single and they're trying to embrace feminine energy. For that, I would say like don't text first. Don’t shape plans, don’t make plans, don’t buy gifts. If the person says, ‘What do you want to do?’ You say, ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’m open to whatever your ideas are,’ and push that ball back in the other arena. Learn to receive people doing things for you and to have gratitude and graciousness about that.
So, it's not about expecting it, but it's also about being okay with whatever happens. If someone doesn't step up, who cares? We move along to the next one. It's fine. It's not very callous, but I find a lot of women are in their masculine energy in dating, especially. They chase people, and they're hyper-fixated on ‘Oh my God, this person hasn't replied yet.’ They're freaking out, and it's this very controlling thing that's happening.
In my opinion, that's very masculine control. So is, ‘What can I say to make him like me? What can I do to make him want me?’ It's very masculine energy, and none of that is really going to persuade any masculine-energy man. That's just going to push him away. Who those women tend to attract are feminine-energy men. They attract a man who loves being given to and loves just doing nothing. The polarity is shifted.
And that could be OK if that’s what you want. I think some women and men love when the woman is the more masculine energy and the man is more feminine energy. I've seen something like that totally work, but I don't think that's what most women actually want, if they're honest with themselves. Part of learning to step into feminine energy in that context is to learn to sit with that discomfort of inaction and just being. Just existing. What’s beautiful about that is it can teach us that us just existing is enough.
I remember back when I was dating, and I was in my masculine energy, I would always lead with all my credentials. I would always lead with like, ‘Oh, I do this. And I've got these awards, and I published this book, and I'm doing this and I'm doing it that. I teach at this university, and look how cool I am.’ Thinking back on that now, I'm like, ‘Wow, that was a very masculine-energy thing to do.’ So now I don't do any of that. People will eventually learn that stuff about me, but I don't lead with it because I lead with who I am being, as opposed to what I am doing. Does that make sense?
YM: Definitely. I imagine that’s challenging for people. It’s a big shift for most people whose conversation starts out with, ‘So, what do you do? What are your hobbies? What are you active in?’
SMS: Absolutely. It's about learning to be OK with having your whole identity as a woman not just being what you do, and instead shifting that to who you are and where your energy is at. So, do I feel at peace? Do I feel happy just existing and being able to cultivate that inner stillness, inner radiance, inner joy? Can I do that by just existing and not having that be based on anything other than just a contentedness with myself? For me, that's what feminine energy is all about.
YM: That’s beautiful. Now, I'm going to throw this question your way because I think that you'll have interesting thoughts about it. Right now, masculine energy is often discussed in the context of toxic masculinity or other negative terms. But, of course, there's very positive masculine energy, too. From your perspective, how can someone step into their masculine energy and really use that in a productive way?
SMS: I love this question. It's so interesting because I feel like when I was in my masculine energy, I thought that most men were terrible. That was my belief. I actually just talked about this on my podcast, so this is fun, but for a man to be more in touch with his empowered masculine energy, it’s important to talk about wounded masculine energy. Wounded masculine energy is sick masculinity. And I feel like a wounded masculine energy is actually very different from toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity is related to sexism and misogyny. Wounded masculinity is actually more about trauma.
What healthy masculine energy men have in common is they take control over their lives. They take ownership over their lives. They change their lives actively. So, if there's something they don't like, they're going to do something about it. They’re not going to be mopey and complain. If there's someone that they like, they're going to pursue that person, they're going to ask the girl out or they’re going to ask the guy out, if that's the way they swing. If there's a problem, they're going to problem-solve, they're going to try to fix it. They’re not going to wait for someone else to come in and rescue them.
The wounded masculine does tend to act a bit more like feminine energy. The person is waiting for someone to do things for them and whining and complaining without actually making any change in their life.
Let’s use the context of dating because I think that is a way to make this all very concrete with an actual example that people can understand. Energy can sound a bit abstract if people aren't really used to thinking about it or talking about. So, in the context of dating, a healthy masculine man is going to be like, ‘Hey, here's three restaurant options. I'd be happy to make a reservation for Friday at 7 p.m. Which one would you prefer? OK, done.’ It’s easy, non-complicated, and he doesn't see that effort as this huge burden on his shoulders. This person will step up and help you. If you're having trouble with something, this person is empowered in their life.
If a man is struggling with that, he might be more in feminine energy. I have heard some men with wounded energy say stuff like, ‘Oh, I’m too nice.’ Or they’ll make these comments where they attempt to compliment themselves about their miserable situation. What ‘I’m too nice’ really means is ‘I’m indecisive, and I have no boundaries, and I can’t stand up for myself.’ And especially in the masculine context, that's incredibly wounded, in my opinion.
So, if there are any men reading this who find themselves in that situation, it’s important to think about what you can do to level-up that vibe. How can you take ownership of the things in your life that you don’t like? For an example, if you’re not happy with your dating life, do something about it. If you find that you keep dating women who take advantage of you—something I've heard so many times from certain men—do something about it. Have different standards about what you're going to accept, what type of women that you're going to spend time with and what type of women you're not going to date.
If you're unhappy about your job because you don't think that you're paid enough, ask for a raise. If you're rejected, make a plan to switch jobs. It's all about being active, rather than sitting in an energy of stagnation. Stagnant energy is not healthy energy, no matter which way you slice it.
YM: Yeah, absolutely. And that makes a lot of sense, especially when you give such concrete examples.
SMS: I think like a lot of women talk about man-babies, right? In fact, I think I saw something on your Substack like, ‘Do you not have a sex drive because you're with a man-baby?’ Or something like that.
YM: Yeah, exactly. And you gave a perfect example of how wounded masculine energy turns someone into somewhat of a man-child or adult-child.
SMS: I couldn’t remember the exact phrasing, but I think those men who act like adult children, what they're really in is their wounded energy, which is often very feminine. So, of course that's a turn-off to a woman who wants to feel feminine as well because then she's forced into that masculine role of caretaker. That completely fucks up the sexy polarity. I believe that in sex, we do need that polarity.
Think about it. If there are two submissives in a sexual encounter, nothing is going to happen, right? And if there are two more dominant people, that's also not going to go well. There does have to be that polarity, even if it's not that extreme dom/sub lifestyle. Even if both people are kind of switchy and take turns, there does need to be this polarity energetically, whether we want to talk about that in terms of masculine and feminine or if we want to talk about that in terms of dominance. But that polarity is often where the spark comes from.
YM: Absolutely, and that leads me to my next question, which is about how to use sex to manifest what you want in life.
SMS: Oh my God. I literally just posted a blog post about this. So, I think often what people get wrong about manifestation is you actually have a tap into the feeling for it to work. A lot of people just say, ‘Oh, I want this,’ but they don't actually force themselves to feel, in an embodied way, what it would feel like to get that or to have that.
How manifestation works, at least the way that I work with it, is it does depend on being able to tap into that feeling of what you desire. Let's say you want to manifest a bazillion dollar car. You would have to think about what it would feel like to have that car. How amazing would it feel? Really get down to the tiniest detail of joy. Like, ‘Wow, I grew up poor, and now I have this. It feels so good for all my hard work to have paid off and for me to be able to afford this.’ Or whatever the feeling is.
The mistake a lot of people make is they have this list of things they want, but they don’t attach any emotion to it. So, really go deep into that visualization and feel into that ecstasy and that joy. In terms of partnered sex, consent is really a big thing to be aware of. Does this person consent to their sexual energy being used in that way? Maybe. Maybe not. That’s something to also consider.
YM: That’s really interesting. I've heard something along those lines. You shouldn’t use partnered sex and orgasms without telling your partner what you’re using the energy for.
SMS: I agree with that. That's my opinion. I would consider it not cool. It’s fine for masturbation, but with partnered sex, that person is not consenting to having their energy used for whatever your goal is, unless you've had a conversation about it. If it’s the magic is to create better sex or a closer relationship, then they should be open to that, if you talk to them about it.
But I'm sure not everyone would be. Let's say that you’re doing this with your fuckbuddy, which personally, is not something that I'm into, but if that's what you're doing, and you want to seduce the fuckbuddy into being in a relationship, and you want to use the sex magic to do that, obviously that's not okay. I think a conversation would need to happen in order for the person to have informed consent in that type of situation.
YM: That makes sense. I also think that it would be powerful if two people had agreed that they wanted to manifest something together, and they said, ‘Hey, let's use our energy to do it.’
SMS: And that can create closer bonds between people as well. If both people are open-minded enough to be able to do that together, then that can bring folks closer together in a fun way.
YM: So true. OK Sabrina, that was the final question on my list. Thank you so much for all the time you’ve given me. Is there anything else you want to share before we wrap things up?
SMS: I guess the only other thing I haven't really talked about is my second book, which is called Curse and Cure: Magic for Real Life. Since my first book is all about magical philosophy, this book is more of a how-to. So, if anyone really does want their hand held through the experience of ‘What the hell is this magic thing? How do I connect with energy? How do I begin to incorporate this stuff into my daily life?’ This is really the guidebook that I always wish I had when I was a tiny baby teenager trying to figure out this whole magic thing.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. Have you heard the news about my forthcoming podcast? ICYMI: I am putting together a series of audio interviews that will feature brave souls willing to share their wildest, wackiest, hottest (or not-est) sexual experiences.
Interested in being interviewed for the podcast? Have questions? Know someone who might love to speak on this topic? Shoot me an email at yesmisstrix@gmail.com. All gender identities, sexualities and experiences are welcome. Thanks in advance for your consideration!